Member of the Squint Squad

Close your eyes and taste it

2011-03-27T15:35:00.000-05:00

I've been involved in Community Theater in my hometown for the last year or so. I've done two shows and find them all-consuming. When I'm involved in a show my life consists of getting up in the morning, working from 8-5, rehearsal from 6-9 four days a week, and then coming home and going to bed. The next day, well, you get it: Lather, rinse, repeat. By the time Friday rolls around I'm too tired to conceive of doing much of anything, let alone cooking or baking.

But yesterday and today I had some time to play around in the kitchen. I was getting ready for a cast party tonight and was preparing food to take along. I had forgotten how calming food can be for me. Sure, eating it calms me down (I'm an emotional eater). But preparing it and thinking about the people I'm going to share it with also has an effect on me.

After Ron died and I was back to cooking for one, food just didn't seem as exciting. I ate only as a way to keep my body moving. It had lost all enjoyment. But today, I really go to thinking about where my love of food comes from.

Growing up we had everything we needed. There wasn't a lot of extra money floating around our house, but I don't ever remember there ever being a time when we didn't have plenty. Sometime during the last year I got to talking with my Dad about what it was like when they were young and going through similar financial struggles. He told me that his thought had always been, if there wasn't going to be extra money, then he was going to make sure they ate well. And we did!

Mom is a great cook. She makes food that to this day I crave when I need comfort. So, of course I turn to food when I'm feeling low. And it's not just having or eating food that brings me comfort. I have this NEED to share what I make. I love to think about how others are going to react to what I've made. I love seeing people put a bite in their mouth and then close their eyes as they savor it.

Food makes me happy, but most of all when I can share it with people I care about.

Someday I'll be a Widow Scout

2011-02-14T22:19:00.000-06:00

I've come to the conclusion that there must be some perks to being a widow or widower. Since I really have yet to find any, I've decided to come up with my own reward system. I'm basing its design on merit badges earned in groups such as Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts.

The sash comes with the title (widow or widower). No need to pay any dues. Trust me, if you haven't already paid them, they'll come due soon enough. And you won't believe the frequency with which you'll have to pay them.

I've already earned several badges, but I'm sure many more will become available as I continue living this life. There are lots of badges for firsts: first holiday, first night spent alone, first time you realize that you're no longer numb and this hurts way more than anything else you've ever experienced.

Some that I've already earned? Well, I've got the "I just found out there's no life insurance" badge. I'm also ready to sew on the "I used to enjoy holidays and birthdays" badge. There's a really worn looking badge on my sash...that's the one that indicates all the frayed nerves I've experienced. Also, I'm proud owner of "The recycling man really loves me because of all the empty wine bottles I put out" and the "I survived the call from the Social Security Administration". Anyone who's been a part of that call understands why that badge is bigger than the rest.

Some of the badges are really beautiful. There's the one that identifies me as a proud but unwilling single parent. You see, that one was given to me by my daughter and she put all the love she had into it. There's also the badge for the day I realized that even though I had changed completely, I was going to come out of this as a better woman.

But none of these are my favorite. My favorite badge is a small, nondescript white one. That badge holds a place of honor. It designates that I'm fighting the good fight. It means that every day I get up and try again to be the best woman that I know how to be. And I try even though I don't feel like it, even though I'm tired, and even though I often feel like I'm in it alone. That badge may be the most important one I have. It reminds me of all I have yet to do and all the life I have yet to live.

So, fellow widows and widowers, step right up. Design your own badge. Wear it proudly. You deserve it and so many more!

The difference of one second

2011-01-17T21:34:00.000-06:00

Really, who ever thinks about seconds? They pass us by in the blink of an eye. Oftentimes, nothing monumental happens in one second. We remember days, major events, but the seconds usually just slip by. But a second really does make a difference.

Everything can change in one second. I found that out when I lost Ron. I thought my life had ended. And, in a sense, it had. At least the life I knew had ended. The woman that I was walked right out the door when she heard the words, "We tried for 30 minutes and we couldn't get him back." She ran like hell when my daughter, two and a half at the time, reached out for me crying, "NO!" as I fell screaming to the floor. She vowed never to return as I took charge and made the first real decision I'd made in years: asking the Chaplain to leave.

That woman, the 30-year-old mother and wife, blew right past us all in the following days and months. She was nowhere to be found. There was no trace of the strong woman who had soothed so many tears and held hands that made her world complete. Now, there was one less hand to hold.

So she left. And the new me evaluated what her options were. None of them looked too promising. And, of course, I made a lot of incorrect decisions. But now I look at how much I've grown and changed, and I can't help but think that this version of me is happier and healthier. I can make a decision if I have to. I can even stand up for myself some of the time. (I'm still working on that one!) But I've come to the conclusion that this new woman was given two feet for a reason.

So now, I'm going to use those two feet. I'm going to walk right up to that older version of me and tell her exactly what I think. "You did a fine job with all the seconds you had available, but now it's my turn."

Just feeling good

2010-12-06T21:12:00.000-06:00

I wish I had something inspiring to tell you. I wish I even had some big, splashy news. But all I really have is that right now, just where I'm at in my life, I'm pretty happy.

I'm working at a great job where I feel needed and appreciated. I have a wonderful boyfriend who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I get to wake up every morning and face a new set of challenges that I feel (mostly) equipped to handle. I get to come home every night secure in the fact that while I may not have landed where I thought I would be at this point in my life, I certainly am right where I need to be.

I am spending my time being a mother to a wonderful and feisty daughter. She tries my patience, makes me smile, and gives me love like no other. I work during the day to please my boss, but find that I'm really pleasing myself at the same time. At night I get to spend time with this wonderful man (boyfriend 2.0) who continues to try and convince me that all is right in the world because we're together. My family is behind me. My friends are there every step of the way. I keep meeting new people who open my world even further.

Truly my life is blossoming. How did I manage to get here? :)

Finding a piece of myself

2010-09-06T16:26:00.000-05:00

"There is only one path to today."

I stumbled across this sentiment today. I've done some searching and can't find anyone to whom I can attribute it. There is only one path that would have gotten me where I am today. Somedays I lament that fact, and other days I celebrate it.

I think about my journey a lot. There are so many people along the way who have touched me in ways I can't explain. Some of them are still in my life and some are gone. And recently I've found a new someone that has been touching my life.

A while back, when paychecks from my job started bouncing, I began looking for work elsewhere. I figured that if they couldn't even make payroll it was only a matter of time before the whole place went under. For once in my life I got out in time.

I started working at a local restaurant/ice cream shop. Not exactly the most glamorous of positions, but you do what you have to to pay the bills. After working there for about a week, someone walked through the door that would change my life forever.

I didn't notice him at the time. I was seeing someone else. We talked just like any regular co-workers would. As a matter of fact, we had some pretty deep conversations. He told me about his divorce. I told him about my husband dying. He told me he was sure he would never find another woman that would be willing to deal with him already having 4 children. I told him that if she was the right woman it wouldn't be a problem.

Over the next couple of months we continued talking and sharing. For an outsider looking in, I suppose that the way we opened up to each other must have seemed very strange. But something about him made me know that I could share anything with him and be completely safe.

After finding out that the boyfriend I thought I would marry was not the one, this man and I began to date. We've been seeing each other for about 3 months and I can't say I've ever been happier. The hubby was a phenomenal man. I can't help but believe that he had a hand in bringing this man into my life. He always told me that he would want me to find someone else. True to my nature, I had to pick a few losers before settling on one that truly knows me.

Boyfriend 2.0 knows that there is room for both him and my husband in my heart. I can hardly believe it myself. He gives me the freedom to experience my pain and grief and still makes me laugh and smile on a regular basis. September is a hard month for me and he has promised to be there every step of the way. Knowing that I have him in my corner makes my heart feel like there's a reason to keep loving.

I could extol the virtues of this man for pages. Really, all you need to know is that he loves me and doesn't want to change me. He believes me to be the strongest person he's ever met. If he keeps treating me the way he does, I might just come to believe that, too.

To this wonderful man, the other side of myself, thank you for being a part of my path to today.

Not what I signed up for

2010-07-21T19:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning was NOT my finest hour. On Monday my daycare provider was sick, so munchkin girl spent the day traipsing about the nearest large shopping city with my parents. I was/am totally fine with this. However, she did not get a nap. Given the same set of circumstances with me around, the same lack of nap would have occurred. That night she woke up from a "bad dream". I should have recognized the portent of things to come.

The following morning, when she finally woke up, nearly 2 hours later than her usual time, she had ZERO interest in getting ready and leaving the house. She repeatedly asked if we could stay home and snuggle in the chair. I can promise you that there's nothing I would have liked better. But, someone has to make the donuts.

At this point I began a process that I had never before had to undertake. I physically hauled my child from the bathroom into the living room to get her dressed. I held her down, or at least parts of her, while I removed her Pull Up, put on her underwear and shorts, took off her pajama top, put on her tank top, and foolishly attempted to get her shoes on. A kick from a 4-year-old can be very painful.

Then I began the process of getting her in the car. This involved an action that I can only describe as similar to trying to keep a cat in the bathtub. Eventually I did manage to get her in the car with her screaming bloody murder all the way. She cried and screamed most of the way to daycare. And the screaming began again when we pulled into the driveway.

I got to try to fend off blows while unbuckling her and getting her out of the car. Then I had to pick her up and carry her into the house.

Once I was on my way to work I lost it. I began sobbing and grabbed my phone. While I know it's not a wise idea to even talk on your cell phone while driving, let alone while visually impaired from crying, I needed reinforcements. I called my parents and begged them to tell me I'd done the right thing. I felt absolutely horrible because the one thing she wanted was within my power to provide. However, this was an opportunity to teach her about obligations.

I assume this was all brought on by lack of sleep and her trying to adjust to me working a 40 hour week after nearly a year of working 11-5. The poor thing has had a difficult time trying to adjust.

My parents said all the right things, including, "Pull the car over before you crash." But I swear to you, the one thing I could not do that day was take my mind off the feeling that all she wanted was some time with me and I didn't give it to her. I want it to be very clear; SINGLE PARENTING IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. Say all you want that I'm strong. That you couldn't do what I do. That you would give up. But the truth of it is, I feel like I did. I feel like I gave up on reasoning with her just so that I could move on with my day. I put her needs aside to deal with my own. I feel like a bad mother. I feel like they'll be calling me to take away my mommy card. Part of me really does know that I'm a good mother, but this emotional outburst absolutely broke my heart. It won't be too long and she won't want to snuggle any more. I know I did the right thing in teaching her a lesson that she'll someday understand. But how do I tell my heart that?

I've still got what I need

2010-06-03T18:47:00.000-05:00

I try not to use this blog as a sounding board for all my rants. I try to keep things positive and remember that some people reading this are not intimately acquainted with my life. I've always wanted this blog to be a learning experience for me and for others. However, tonight I find myself with much pent up anger and hostility that I have nowhere else to put.

Without giving away too much identifying information, I celebrated a big event at work today. When I went to tell someone who I expected to be supportive, all I got was sarcasm. Granted, this person lives on a steady diet of sarcasm and we've been more or less on the outs for a few days. But still, the response I got shocked me. In the end, I finally told this person to just forget it. I don't know if I'll hear from them again tonight or not. And frankly, I don't know if I care.

The moral of the story is that just because something is important to me does not mean that it's equally important to all the people in my life. Truly, I don't need it to be. But what I do need is support, joy, and congratulations. So, a big "Thank You" to all of you who have, and will continue to be supportive. In the end, I find that I only need myself and my congratulations to celebrate. After all, I only had to prove to myself that I could do it.

When it saves you

2010-05-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

A friend said to me, "I can't believe you kept your faith through all the hell you must have gone through. I admire that." I told him, "You can't be angry at something you don't believe in." (Thanks for that one, Aggie.)

And it's true. I can't very well be mad at God for taking my husband away from me if I don't believe in Him. But as I was thinking about this conversation this morning, I came to an interesting conclusion. I wasn't talking about believing in God. Although I do believe in Him, it would be more appropriate to say that during that conversation I was saying I believe in Love.

For so long after the hubby died I was angry. The kind of anger that sucks what's left of your life out of you and makes you worthless for anything but rage. I was most angry with the hubby. HE was the one that didn't eat right. HE was the one that smoked constantly. HE was the one that didn't exercise. HE was the one that didn't care enough about us to stay. (I never said anger was rational, did I?)

But I loved him. And I know this is true because it would be impossible to be so angry with someone you didn't love. I also know that his love saved me.

The hubby walked into my life at a time when I was living in a loveless, abusive marriage. My self-esteem was at an all-time low and I was certain that nothing I did was right, let alone worthwhile. And this man, this great big bear of a man, walked into my life and gave me the courage to leave that situation. He showed me that despite what my ex-husband was telling me, there were people in this world that would love me for who I am. People who wouldn't put restrictions on that love.

I'll say it again, I did not leave my ex-husband to marry my hubby. It just turned out that way. And that's how his love saved me. It gave me options I didn't know existed. And because he loved me so much I'm able to continue on each day.

His love saves me every moment in the form of a beautiful little girl that we made together. She's laying on the couch right now, playing with her legs, and asking me what I'm doing. And pretty soon, she'll tell me that she loves me. I'm saved all over again. Every night when she hugs my neck and tells me she loves me before going to bed. Every morning when she curls up next to me in bed and nearly suffocates me in her hug. Every time she looks at me and shows me that grin that can only have come from one place: her father. I'm saved all over again.

My parents have been behind me 100% for the last 19 months. They make sure that I have what I need and even the things I don't need but just want. They take this task of parenting seriously. They show me they love me every day. And their love saves me.

I have friends that show me how much they love me and they save me too. You all know who you are. And I hope you also know where I couldn't have gotten without you. You're amazing people and you make all the difference in my life.

Yes, love saves. And it comes when and where you least expect it. It would seem to me, though, that it always comes when it's most needed.

Hold me accountable

2010-03-29T20:47:00.000-05:00

The boyfriend has taken his daughter to D.C. for her Spring Break and won't be home until sometime on Saturday. I'm attempting to use this time to kick start myself into some productivity. There are lots of projects I always talk about doing and never manage to get done. I'm hoping that if I share the list here you all will help keep me motivated. Here's the list:

Finish an afghan that's 6 feet wide and seven feet long. The afghan is currently half done.
Read two books, Body of Evidence by Patricia Cornwell and The Drawing of the Three by Stephen King. I've started both books but am not too far in either of them.
Pull everything out of my closet except the clothes. Organize, donate, or throw away all of the junk.

Because reading the books and crocheting the afghan cannot happen concurrently, I think this is a pretty healthy list for 5 days. Other jobs that can be done while crocheting include watching shows on the DVR to clean that off and listening to podcasts clogging up my iPod (and seemingly multiplying while I'm not looking!).

Anyone have any ideas on how I can keep motivated and get this stuff done?

A lasting aftereffect of trouble

2010-02-22T16:25:00.000-06:00

Why are scars shiny? Shiny usually connotes something good, something new and exciting. Birthday parties. Little girl's patent leather shoes. Sunlight. In contrast, scars and their stories are often rife with pain. You may hear the story of a scar told with great bravado and excitement. At the time, few people would express such pleasurable opinions about the activity that caused the scar.

Being a widow has taught me a thing or two about scars. Science tells us that scars never completely go away. The scar left by Ron's death has not gone away. In time, I'm sure, I'll continue to see changes in its appearance. I have already noticed a change in the pain. I feel myself and the scar changing. But it will never be gone. There's a part of me forever irreparable because of what happened.

But is my injury, my pain, really a scar? A scar does not form until the would is completely healed. I am not completely healed. I am moving through my grief, but I'm not sure that part of me will ever be healed. I am moving forward and looking to the future. Maybe what I have isn't a scar after all. I'm left with a weakened spot. That weakness allows memories to sneak in and open the wound again. Scars are physical marks that show healing has occurred. My healing is not all in the past. I will have many more moments of healing. But maybe, just maybe, there's some shiny skin peeking through.

Scar tissue is different than the original tissue of the skin. And I am different than I was before I was on my own. That thought no longer scares me. I used to worry that when I got done changing no one would recognize what was left. Underneath it all I'm still me. A lot has changed. Some parts are very different. Look at all I've learned. I am more confident, independent, and willing to take on whatever life tosses my way. My experience would not have been the same without all the pressure applied in the last year and a half. Ron's death prepared me for so much that I never would have felt comfortable with before.

I prefer to think of scar in the etymological sense. The word "scar" is derived from the Greek word schara, meaning place of fire (fireplace). And if that's true, when I'm left with a scar from this experience, I hope there's still fire left in me.

Gratuitous song reference: Scars by Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Things that make me laugh, smile, be grateful

2010-02-19T12:55:00.000-06:00

Mom was getting a perm the other day. Munchkin and I stopped in to see her and share some deliciousness from the bistro next door to the salon. Mom had all kinds of tiny blue rollers in her hair and Munchkin says, "Nana, you have batteries in your hair!"
Being asked by my father to create a custom crocheted project. He's participating in a Community Theater production and needed a British Judge's wig. Seems he told the costume department he was pretty sure his daughter could crochet one. Seems he was right.
Munchkin singing Figaro. Here's an example of the song. Munchkin's version is MUCH cuter.
Modern Family. Love, LOVE, LOVE this show.
A truly fantastic tax refund.
Shopping at consignment shops and finding LOADS of things for both myself and the munchkin. It's so nice to be able to replenish the basics in my wardrobe thanks to the afore noted tax refund.
A certain little girl in her beautiful new glasses. Thanks to that special person that paid for them.
Lady Antebellum. I know they've been around for years now, but this is the first time I've heard them and I think they're fantastic. I never buy CDs anymore and I'll be buying this one.
The fact that I'm slowly becoming better at keeping my house clean. I'm getting more regular about cleaning things up and also beginning to tackle projects like my closet, sorting through the Munchkin's old clothes, the spare bedroom, and the dreaded lower level.
Just living my life and knowing that I'm finally in a position where I feel like the world isn't going to fall in on me.

Leaning toward the light

2010-02-16T13:25:00.000-06:00

A friend recently sent me this email:

"Night time is painful. There's the loneliness of being in a dark room. It's very conflicting--hiding under the covers is all I want to do all day, but if I fall asleep, which I always do, there's the threat of a new day. It's a no win situation."

As I responded to her I began to wonder, "What is it that makes us afraid of the dark?"

And I thought about how we began this life in darkness. Genesis 1:1-4 (King James Version) states,

"1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. 3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. 4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness."

Verse 4 says that God felt the light was good. From this, are we supposed to believe that the darkness is bad, or at least not as good as the light? Other mentions of darkness in The Bible would lead me to believe darkness is not the desirable state.

Psalm 88:1-6 (KJV) tells us,

"1 O lord God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee: 2 Let my prayer come before thee: incline thine ear unto my cry; 3 For my soul is full of troubles: and my life draweth nigh unto the grave. 4 I am counted with them that go down into the pit: I am as a man that hath no strength: 5 Free among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, whom thou rememberest no more: and they are cut off from thy hand. 6 Thou hast laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps."

Again we are told that the darkness in verse 6 is not where our salvation lies.

Proverbs 4:19 (KJV) brings up another reason many people fear the dark. This verse declares,

"The way of the wicked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble."

I don't believe that many of us are truly afraid of the dark. Our fear lies in what the dark may hide. We sense a lack of preparation on our part. Suddenly, one of the senses most of us rely on most heavily is gone.

Could we have prepared for the darkness if we had been forewarned?

And I'm not just referring to a spiritual darkness. How many of us live in a self-imposed darkness of ignorance, abuse, doubt, or any other detrimental emotion? What would it take to pull us out of that and begin living a new kind of life?

We are not often warned about impending darkness nor are we given an opportunity to prepare ourselves for it. The only thing we can do is be aware that darkness exists and continue to believe that it does not have to be a permanent state.

Plants automatically grow toward the light. Begin your journey and lean toward it yourself.

Walking with a friend

2010-02-09T16:43:00.005-06:00

Recently I've spent a lot of time on the phone and online with a dear friend who has needed some encouragement. She's going through a rough time and is often unsure of herself and her path. Talking with her has taken me back to experiences from my first marriage. Yes, for those of you who don't know, I was married before (to my high school sweetheart) and it did not end well.

But this woman, this wonderful friend of mine, has found so much in such a short time. Where I apparently had an operation to remove my spine while I was married to my disaster, she has found hers. Not that she ever really lost it, but some of the moves I've seen her make in the past few months astonish and inspire me.

She's building a life on her own for her children. She is doing everything within her power to make their lives the safest and most consistent she possibly can. Heck, when I was in her position, I wasn't able to do that and all I had to deal with was myself.

And I watch her do what she feels is floundering. All I can think is, "This woman has incredible grace and class under pressure." She knows what she will and won't accept, and she's going for it.
She seems to think that some of the advice I've given along the way is helpful. We talk on a regular basis, vent about our bad days, and share our triumphs. She pats me on the back and encourages me and tells me what a great job I'm doing. We are there for each other. We both routinely walk to the edge of the insanity cliff and contemplate what it would take to push us over the edge. And when one gets too close to that edge, the other one pulls her back again.

Some friends rely on manicures and spa days together. We rely on the every day. Because every day is all we've got. Each day is its own moment. Each day holds the answer and is the grand mystery as well.

I just hope she realizes that there's no one I'd rather explore those mysteries and answers with.

Let me just tell you...

2010-01-28T13:38:00.005-06:00

The week of January 18-24th was a difficult one at my house. Shall we run down the list?

On Tuesday I did some checking. Apparently, I make too much money to adequately care for my child, but yet I don't make enough to adequately care for her. Even if I weren't working right now, because of the money that we receive from Ron's Social Security income, we are over the income limit for Medicaid. For me, this isn't such a tragedy. I can take decent care of myself on my own. But for the munchkin, healthcare would be so welcome. And that's a hard pill to swallow. Once I get bills paid off I'll be able to put aside enough money that if either of us needs to go to the doctor, it won't break us. And I'm also in the process of looking for a job that offers medical benefits. So all is not lost. But, I guess, I was really hoping that we could get some help.

Wednesday we were having rotten weather around here. Bitterly cold, high winds, freezing rain, blowing snow, etc. Because my daycare is out of town I asked my parents to go pick up the munchkin. When I wasn't a single mother the weather didn't seem so much of an issue. But, things are what they are now, and so I deal with it the best way I know how. Maybe I'll move to some warmer climate.

Thursday was my wedding anniversary. The stress of the event was enough for me, but not sleeping well for several days ahead of time made me a basket case. In order to not be alone that evening, I invited all the girls over for Stitch and Bitch. I made some great dips and a chocolate cake. It wouldn't have been a day to remember Ron without chocolate cake.

But Friday was the real kicker. In the last few weeks both my parents and I had noticed that the munchkin was squinting and closing her left eye when looking at things close up. I was of a mind to believe it was just something she "did". However, Mom chose to freak me out by googling the information and finding that it could be lazy eye or any other myriad problems. Did I have the money to take her to the optometrist? HECK NO! Bless Mom and Dad, they made it happen. So, Friday Morning at 8:15 we showed up for an eye appointment for a (nearly) 4-year-old.

First they took us into a side room where they did some measurements and tests to see if she could tell which animal "popped off the page". She did OK, but was much more interested in telling us about the animals than which one looked different. Then, they pulled out the book with pictures designed to test whether or not she was color blind. The woman asked her to trace the numbers, and the munchkin is not overly familiar with the concept of tracing. She shocked us all a bit when I asked her if she could see a number in the picture and she piped right up to say, "Oh, the 7?"

In the end, the optometrist determined that she has a "significant" prescription necessary in both eyes. She wouldn't even cover her good eye with the paddle in order to test the strength of the weak eye. Don't ask me how, but they did get a good look at both eyes and determined that she not only needs glasses but should also do some work at home while wearing a patch in order to strengthen the weak eye.

The optometrist also commented that children will often greatly change their behavior greatly upon beginning to wear glasses. They feel more secure in their world once they can see better. I'm hoping that this will be true in our situation as she can be difficult to deal with at times.

However, the munchkin did love trying on glasses. After all, Mommy and Nana wear glasses all the time anyway. So now she'll be just like us. We chose an extremely cute pair of pink glasses with bright green butterflies on the ear pieces. She's been asking when she can wear her glasses. I'm hoping they'll be in today or tomorrow at the latest.

It was a week certain to make the strongest of people feel a bit overwhelmed. But, now it's over and I feel like I can again take some time to breathe.

The lesson in all of this is that I have to learn to slow down. I need to realize that everything will work out in the end. One way or another, she and I will make it through all of this and be stronger because of it. Currently, I can't say I'm feeling all that strong, but I'll get there.

Strength isn't something that you either have or don't. Certainly some people are emotionally stronger than others. Am I one? All I know is what I've told many of my friends. I'm only a woman playing the hand she's been dealt. I have no other choice. Sure, I want to throw my hands in the air and just go back to bed. But that doesn't accomplish anything. And it's not what Ron would have wanted for us either. He taught me a lot. And now, I have to teach the munchkin those same lessons.

What I keep

2010-01-18T14:46:00.002-06:00

If you were to walk through my house you would begin to think that I'm either completely mental (which is a definite possibility) or have a strange sense of that which is sentimental.

There are so many things hiding in different spots around the house that would have meaning only to me.

In the refrigerator is one, lonely Miller Light. Ron drank Miller Light and this is the last can of the beer that was bought by my brother after the funeral. Ron made sure to drink all that he had in the house before leaving for his surgical appointment because he knew he wouldn't be allowed to drink afterwards. So this one can hangs out in my fridge. I won't drink it (although I really don't mind Miller Light), won't let anyone else drink it, and, if I needed a beer for some culinary experience, would go out and buy a new six-pack. He never touched it. But somehow, it means something to me.

In the basket by the bed is the shirt he wore to the hospital the day of his first surgery. I have not washed it. The rest of his clothes I washed and put away when I did the laundry for the first time after he died. Like he was coming back. When I switched his stuff into the spare bedroom closet I couldn't deal with giving away any of his "hanging" clothes. Anything that was in his dresser drawers I dealt with. But anything that had been hanging in the closet is still hanging there, untouched. Most of these clothes I never saw him wear. But I can't get rid of them. At least not yet.

On the fridge is a whiteboard type perpetual calendar. You fill in the dates. I've left it just as he last did. It shows an appointment with the surgeon before the actual date was set for the surgery, an appointment with my attorney to deal with car accident issues, and nothing else of any consequence. But I can't erase it. Please don't do me any favors and erase and update it. I need it there.

I've also left his pill case with the medicine in it stuck on the fridge. He'll never need it, but I can't seem to put that away.

Every day leaving and coming home I'm confronted with much that is Ron. Hanging on the wall downstairs we have a set of longhorn horns that span at least 5 feet. Those will never be given away even though they don't suit me in the slightest.

On the coffee table in the living room sits his copy of American Soldier. I'm sure I'll never read it, but it was the only actual book I ever saw him read. That's where he left it, and you can believe it's going to stay there. I just don't know for how long.

In a bathroom that I completely redid to make "my own" and removed his lighthouse stuff in the process, there are two reminders. There's a lighthouse windchime hanging from the ceiling vent. I don't know why I don't take it down. It just seems to belong there. There's also a lighthouse picture hanging on the wall. Over a year ago I purchased a picture to replace it. For whatever reason I can't hang it.

Down in the garage, if you knew what you were looking for, you'd find the box of his ashes. They're in the garage because that was his domain. That's where he found peace. You might wonder why they're in a box. Ron would have thought it silly and pretentious to buy ANYTHING to put his ashes in. So, I just leave them in their box. I haven't opened it. Can't make myself do it.

And lastly, and quite possibly the most bizarre memento, in the glove compartment of my car you will find a partial pack of his cigarettes, a pack of the gum he liked, and a lighter. I always hated that he smoked. I chewed the rest of every other pack of gum he had around. And I don't use lighters. But they're still there 16 months later.

Someday, maybe, I'll be able to get rid of these things. Maybe not. For now, they just hang around reminding me what a special part of my life he was. All of these things aren't Ron. They're just reminders of his presence. He was an amazing man that brought love back into my life and showed me what I had the capability of being. Giving these things up feels like I'm giving him up. And so I hang on to them. Am I hanging on to him as well? I suppose I am. None of these things are part of a shrine. None of them represent a daily fixation without which I would stop functioning.

I wonder what people would keep around to represent me if I were suddenly no longer around. What do I leave this world? You know what? I don't think it really matters to me, because 50 years from now when my family has to decide what to keep and what to give away, the meaning will be for them to find. Right now, I'll just keep putting bits of myself out there and hoping that someday there will be so many fond memories that they'll have a hard time choosing items to give away.

Taking a look at the past 12 months

2009-12-28T13:08:00.003-06:00

The holidays seem to be notorious for putting people in a pensive frame of mind. And I'm no different. In the last few days, amidst the chaos that is the holidays, I have again been taking stock of my life.

15 months ago, the man I was married to, my best friend, died. So many of you have been there for me during this journey. I am still working to find peace. There are days that I feel that things will be fine and that the world is finally slowing down enough to let me back on. Then, night falls, and I find myself alone and aching. Grief is not for the weak.

Last night, after the gifts were put away and my daughter was in bed, I found myself crying. The second Christmas without him. Sure, I've moved forward, and things are improving, but there are some things that are not the same. Some things can't be fixed. A part of me will live forever with him. And those memories come back to me at night.

So, what has changed for me over the past year while I have taken a break from this blog?

I've taken a different job. I am no longer working as a Technical Writer. The job and the company I was working for created too much stress. My health and my personal relationships were suffering. I now work as a manager at a local lingerie shop. I love what I do and I am much happier than I ever was at my last job.

My daughter and I are beginning to adjust to living on our own. Right now we are dealing with some abandonment and separation anxiety issues for the munchkin. Even when I leave her with my parents she often worries about whether or not I will be coming back. She turns 4 in February and is beginning to grasp that other people have Daddies and that hers is not around. She still isn't sure why he isn't. She knows that "Daddy's in heaven with Jesus" but I believe she is only repeating what I have taught her. I don't think she grasps the concept of Daddy being in heaven. If I'm honest, I'm not sure I grasp it. :)

I've begun dating again. On June 21st (Father's Day) I met a wonderful man (Hereafter referred to as "the boyfriend".) who has been a friend of the family for years. I was able to contact him through Facebook and ask him if he'd like to get together. Six months later, I still get excited every time I know that I'm going to see him. He treats myself and my daughter like a queen and a princess respectively. He's kind, honest, patient, caring, attentive, generous, intelligent, and gentle. He's everything I could ask for. It's amazing to me, but he seems to understand the position I am in. I'm fighting every day to find my way and I believe he enjoys watching me grow. I get phone calls and "check ins" for no reason. He manages to find that fine balance of taking care of me when I need it and letting me have my own time and space. He has a daughter of his own and the four of us enjoy spending time together. The munchkin adores him and he adores her. I often tease him that I'm not sure if he's dating me or my daughter.

My financial situation is much different that I've been used to in the past. I am by no means destitute, but paying the bills is often an exercise in patience and prayer. I am in the process of paying off medical bills. This month was big for me. I paid off the first of the balances. Now, that money will be rolled into another payment. I am excited to begin to see things snowball. Never before in my life have I been the one in charge of the finances. Up to this point, there had always been someone else who dealt with it. Now, I keep track of what's coming in and going out, and I make sure that things are being paid on time. It's actually quite a feeling. If I were to get married again, I'm not sure I would want to relinquish control.

I've learned when to ask for help and I've also learned all the things I can take care of on my own. I've learned that there are so many people out there willing to help me if only I can swallow my pride long enough to ask. I have learned that independence is a wonderful thing, but being all on my own is not my goal in life. Thankfully, my daughter provides me with constant companionship.

Munchkin has gotten another year older, another year smarter, and another year sassier. She always makes me smile and more than once has pulled me out of the pit. She's wonderful and she's the best thing I ever did.

So, dear readers, there's a snapshot of my last year (or so). The ache is still there, but it is beginning to dull. I have wonderful people in my life that believe in me and care more than I ever knew. Thank you to all that have been there for me.

I'm a baby penguin. HONK! HONK!

2009-12-16T14:37:00.006-06:00

The munchkin girl has taken a sudden liking to penguins. We've been reading penguin books, watching penguin shows, and playing with penguin toys.

She waddles around saying, "Honk! Honk! Mommy, I'm a baby penguin." So, as any single mother would do, I've been indulging this little obsession. While I was at Wal-Mart the other day I found a singing dancing penguin that looks an awful lot like this one.

It does an incredibly annoying rendition of "Jingle Bells", complete with giggles. The munchkin girl loves it and I've had to put a prohibition on it during certain times.

Today she was staying with Mom and Dad while daycare was closed. She took her penguin. While standing near my parents she pushed the button to start the singing, let it sing about two or three words, and then pushed the button again to stop it, saying, "OK. That's enough. Party's over."

I swear, I don't know where she gets this stuff.

The Last (Ten) Year(s)

2009-09-24T15:03:00.003-05:00

Around the time I was three years old I decided I was going to marry Kenny Rogers. 25 years later, I brought home the man who would be the father of our daughter and would take me on the ride of my life. And sure enough, he looked a lot like Kenny.

A year ago today I lost my best friend...my Superman. I can't tell you how many times I came home from work and found Ron listening to this song. He would tear up while listening to it. The image of him sitting in his chair by the patio, head back, eyes closed, and the music around him is one that I'll never forget.

I've done a lot of thinking in the past couple of months. Would I go back and change it? Would I bring Ron back if I could? I still don't know the answer. There are a million things I would change. There are a thousand times I would turn around and give him one more hug and kiss. And there are only 86,400 times a day that I think of him and wonder what he would think of what I've become. I don't know the answers. I only know this. He loved us. All of us. And without him, the world still manages to go on. But, we're going to miss you, Ron.

The turtle next door

2009-08-17T11:55:00.002-05:00

Last night we were invited over to the neighbors' house for dinner. The girls had found a turtle on the road sometime during the week and they took munchkin out to see it. His name is Tucker. He's a cute little painted turtle, and surprisingly, Chloe's not that much interested.

We got home and were talking to my mom on the phone. Chloe had to talk to Nana and proceeded to tell her that the girls next door had a turtle named Pecker.

She's confined to her room until she's 30.

Collective Soul

2009-08-14T15:32:00.001-05:00

He always makes sure to let me know he's still around. And I'm sure he is feeling better now.

Pearl Cream

2009-07-12T23:07:00.001-05:00

This still makes me laugh.

MMMMMM...soup!

2009-07-06T14:58:00.004-05:00

Today I decided to make soup. One of my favorites is chicken and wild rice. This is my favorite recipe to use.

The soup is currently simmering away, and here are a couple of pictures. Drool if you like.

These are the veggies and oil before anything else gets added. Looks yummy just like that.

And the finished product. I'll be baking homemade bread too, once I stop at the store to get more flour. Sort of too bad I forgot that key ingredient!

Munchkin's latest

2009-07-06T14:44:00.003-05:00

She's always got something that makes me laugh. Here are the three latest.

These...

are pinecones. As in, "Oh, Mama, look at all the pinecones!"

And then, at the horse show, she told me that this...

was a "horse bus". I've got to say, she may have a point there.

And finally, my favorite, she likes to get her toenails painted. She told me she has "smolish" on her toes. Not polish...smolish.

Gotta love a three-year-old!

This may seem trivial

2009-06-27T21:03:00.003-05:00

Probably not high on your list of things to do, but I'm looking for some opinions. I promised someone I would post some options, so now, I thought everyone could get in on the act. Which toenail polish should I choose this time around?

Starting from the left is my perennial favorite. Revlon's Cherry Crush. When this bottle runs out you better believe I'll be ordering more!

Next is Rimmel's Russet Flame. It's new, and I think it's got more of a rust coloring where the Cherry Crush is more, well, cherry red.

In the middle is Maybelline's Fuchsia Fire. It's glittery, and kind of a light pink. The link isn't the exact color, but it's the best I could do.

Next to it is another Maybelline, this time it's Blazing Berry. It's also glittery and darker than the Fuchsia Flame. It's what I have on my toes right now. It's gotten good reviews.

And last is Pure Ice Rumors. Sort of a mauve color. Take a look. See what you think.

When It Don't Come Easy

2009-06-15T16:02:00.002-05:00

I wonder if I'll ever get home.

When It Don't Come Easy
by Patty Griffin

Lyrics are here.

I have no idea

2009-06-11T00:01:00.002-05:00

I don't know why this popped into my head tonight, but it's always been good for a laugh in my book. And goodness knows we can all use a laugh right now. Enjoy!

Click here for the lyrics.

Last Easter

2009-04-12T17:32:00.003-05:00

For this one I'm looking back, too. This time last year, we were all visiting the hubby in the heart hospital after his heart attack. He was so completely hopped up (no Easter pun intended) on morphine and nitro that he hardly remembers us being there.

I remember thinking how this had to be the worst way to spend an Easter. Turns out, I was wrong.

So many times over the past year, and particularly the past 6 1/2 months, I've been so wrong.

This year is worse. And I didn't anticipate it being that way. But for the second year in a row I woke up knowing that I was celebrating Easter by myself, with my daughter. It was my job to get her Easter basket ready. It was my job to make her look beautiful in her Easter dress. It was my job to make her day amazing. And I think I did a pretty good job.

Easter is about rolling the stone away from the tomb and looking forward to a new life. And so, I choose to try to do that. Munchkin and I are building a new life together. We're trying to roll that stone away and be amazed at what we find. We're trying to relish the fact that the tomb is empty and that this means so many good things. At least, we're trying.

Taking you way back

2009-04-05T09:43:00.002-05:00

Well, I've been in a mood lately. And I haven't been posting. And more than one of my readers has asked what's up. So I'm making a commitment today to posting more in April. I was sitting around this morning and for some reason, this commercial popped into my head. I always loved it. Hope you all enjoy it, too. Anyone remember it?

All chaotic and twirly

2009-02-26T16:52:00.002-06:00

I've been making hats and scarves for my friend Emily. I finished the second set, and they're getting ready to head over to Shanghai tomorrow. Thought I'd get some pictures first. The hat is a cloche style and the scarf twirls round and round on itself. I will probably never make this scarf again. Had I thought about the basic construction of the scarf I would have realized that the number of stitches in each row grows exponentially and therefore, takes longer to finish. Not a good project for the impatient.

On a side note, doesn't Handy Manny look swell?

Pendulum

2009-02-21T09:36:00.004-06:00

Lately I've been thinking of my life sort of like a pendulum. I swing back and forth between moods. The bottom of the swing, where a pendulum stops if no force is applied, is where I go when I'm at my darkest. And I will stay there - unless I apply some force.

And I've been at the bottom of that swing.

I decided it was time to move from there. I'm not willing to stay there very long anymore. It's time to take action...apply some force.

So I still swing back and forth, and I hit that bottom point every now and then, but it's a moment, and I'm only passing through.

There have been some pretty great moments at the high points of the swing. And someday, if things work out, maybe I'll tell you about them. But for now, know that things are still moving back and forth here.

Spiral

2009-02-15T20:24:00.001-06:00

I haven't been saying much for the past two weeks because, even with something new and wonderful in my life (a topic for another post someday), I've been in a spiral.

These last few days have been pure torture for me.

Friday was my daughter's 3rd birthday. I did OK at work until about 3:30. Finally, about 4:15 I had to leave because I knew that I was losing it. I knew that if I didn't get out of there I would be a wreck. My mother is the secretary for the music department at our local university and we had all been invited to a music alum gathering. I went. It was a mistake. All kinds of well-meaning people asking me how I am. Then, my mother asked the entire music faculty to sing Happy Birthday to my daughter. I decided I had to make it out of the room after they were done before I completely dissolved into tears. It was so, SO bittersweet.

Saturday was the dreaded day. I never really thought it meant anything to me until it hit me that "his girls" weren't getting anything this year. And it wasn't the gift I wanted. He always thought of it as the day he got to bring us presents in the hospital. Our first Valentine's Day together was actually our first full day as a family as well. I feel sick even thinking about it now.

Today was her birthday party. About 8 this morning I was convinced I should cancel it because I just couldn't do it. I was tired, grief-stricken, and certain that I couldn't make it through the party without sobbing.

She had a great time in the pool and everyone was wonderful. Not really any pressure on me. Now I'm home alone with an exhausted munchkin and fears of what I'll do with myself once she's in bed. I feel like it's me against the world.

I'm just beyond grief. I'm exhausted and have to go back to work tomorrow. Nope, no Monday holiday for me. I could have taken it off but chose not to in an attempt to finally save up some PTO.

I don't know what to say or feel. I want numb back.

3 years

2009-02-12T21:56:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow my baby will be 3.

What a mix of emotions that is. Granted, it's a wonderful and happy day. But it's half wrong. And I don't know what to do about that. I don't know how to fix it.

There's nothing I can do. So I guess I'll just throw that beautiful little girl the best birthday party I can manage. There will be cake and swimming and family and friends and fun. She's my girl and she deserves the best I can give her.

So I'll give her my heart.

With?

2009-02-12T20:38:00.002-06:00

For 4 months I've been telling my 3-year-old that Daddy is with Jesus.

Tonight my parents were over and she asked, "Mommy, where's Daddy?" My mom said, "Where IS Daddy?"

Without hesitation she responded, "Daddy's with Jesus."

I cried happy and sad tears at the same time.

You're up...then you're down

2009-02-11T20:30:00.002-06:00

I was having a good week after a pretty great weekend, and then I got nailed this morning. I pulled into the driveway at daycare to drop the munchkin off. When I got back out to the car, it wouldn't start. Jessica (a.k.a. Jooka Jooka) took me to work and Steve looked at the car when he got home from work. Started right up. Stupid thing. So I got a ride out there.

While I waited for Mom and Dad to buy me a new battery, Steve drove the car up to the house, turned it off, started it again, turned it off, started it again, turned it off, and the blasted thing wouldn't start again.

The battery reads right at 12 volts. We tried a new one, that's not it. Dad thinks it's the fuel pump. So there goes my paycheck. And my bank account is nowhere near where I want it to be. But I'm determined that everything is going to be OK. No panic here.

Something's gotta give.

Gastronomic delight

2009-02-10T20:11:00.004-06:00

Tonight I decided to try a new meal that I ripped off from a local restaurant. They are famous for their stroganoff burgers, but everything at the restaurant is over-priced. I decided to recreate it at home.

I started off with a VERY LARGE onion that I sliced up and put in a pan with some oil and salt.

I let the onions caramelize. I love the smell in the air when I'm cooking onions. I don't love cleaning the pan nearly as much. :)

I added mushrooms to the onions, piled the whole mess on top of a burger with swiss cheese, added a dollop of sour cream, closed the toasted bun, and dug in.

Mom and Dad were over and they enjoyed it as well. I would definitely make this again. As my grandfather would have said...

"Pretty good for a quick-plan meal."

Adding to my stash - part 2

2009-02-08T12:04:00.002-06:00

I haven't decided yet what this is for, but it was on clearance for only $1.79 a skein. Couldn't turn that down. It's Baby Bee Sweet Delight Baby in Ladybug Ombre. It's 60% cotton and 40% polyamide. I kind of think this looks like scarves, but again, I haven't decided.

This is some Vanna's Choice (100% acrylic in Mountain Print) that I bought specifically to go with this hat that I already made for Emily. You can see it behind the yarn. The scarf I'm making is this pattern.

This was especially for me. It's Trekking XXL sock yarn. 75% new wool (as opposed to old?) and 25% nylon. I'm making this scarf with it. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make the hat. I plan to extend the scarf pattern to make it longer.

Adding to my stash - part 1

2009-02-08T10:11:00.003-06:00

I was recently chastised (very lightly, but still chastised) for letting my blog go. I was asked why I post nothing new, day after day. Well, it's not that there aren't things to post about. It's just that I usually find myself so tired at the end of the day that doing another thing makes my brain hurt.

However, in an attempt to keep my loyal public happy, here's a post about yarn. Sorry it's not more exciting, but it's what I've got!

This is my purchase for this scarf. It's Crystle Palace Yarns Kid Merino in Berry. 28% kid mohair, 28% merino wool, and 44% micro nylon. It's nearly 5 ounces of laceweight lovliness. It's soft and sqwooshy (phonetic spelling for effect) and I love it. I started working on the scarf at crochet night a couple of weeks ago, but I find that I need to concentrate and really learn the pattern before I can work on this with anyone around. It's not a difficult pattern, but I've never worked with this type of yarn before so it will take some getting used to.

This is Plymouth Yarn Royal Llama Silk. It's 60% fine llama and 40% silk. It's lovely. It's spun in Argentina and is currently being made into a scarf. It feels so nice and I'm afraid that working with specialty yarns may be spoiling me. :)

This stuff is crazy, but I love it. It's Trendsetter Yarns Aura. It's 100% nylon and 100% fun. I originally bought it to make a scarf for the munchkin, but when I was able to pick up three more balls at 40% off, I decided that Emily needed a hat and scarf. I'm hoping that I can get one of the guys going to China to mule it over to her.

This is Filatura Di Crosa Baby for Tahki Stacy Charles Pom Pom. I'm not really sure yet what it's going to be, but it was too cute to leave there. Can you tell I have a problem? :) It's 41% Cotton, 49% Acrylic, and 10% Polyamide. I need to find a pattern for this.

I bought these three skeins of Patons Stretch Socks for, you guessed it, socks. It's 41% cotton, 39% wool, 13% nylon, and 7% elastic. The nylon and elastic should make them nice and stretchy. Now if I can just find my sock pattern book...

Blessid Union of Souls

2009-02-06T18:10:00.002-06:00

There's nothing to say except that this is perfect..right down to the name of the band.

To the women who have carried me

2009-01-28T22:44:00.001-06:00

Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.

BUT........ Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you.

Or come in and carry you out.

Rough go of it

2009-01-25T22:26:00.003-06:00

Sorry again for the lack of posts. I have several things about which I would like to post, but I just can't seem to find the energy. The waves are hitting again and I find myself dragging through each day with my only thought being when I can get back in bed. I don't know what's wrong with me. So I assume one day this will pass. Until then, please satisfy yourself knowing that I'm just doing the best I can. Really. I am.

Anniversary

2009-01-21T21:00:00.003-06:00

Three years ago today...

My father gave me away, barefoot and pregnant, to the most wonderful man ever.

Tonight there was chocolate cake, because any of you who know the hubby know that he wouldn't have considered it a celebration without chocolate cake. There was Bluegrass Beatles because it was "our" favorite. Munchkin made Daddy a foam card. You can catch pics of all the action on my facebook page. After she goes to bed I'll be writing a note for him in an anniversary card.

This morning I heard this song on the radio. It had no business being played on the station I listen to. I can only conclude it was a message from him. Sums up my feelings pretty well.

Our song and our movie

2009-01-14T22:22:00.001-06:00

PT Update

2009-01-14T17:51:00.001-06:00

A friend just asked me recently how my physical therapy was going. This made me realize that I hadn't posted about it recently.

Things are going well. I've been working on my lower back and am hopeful that I'll be released from that portion of PT in the next couple of months.

However, I got bad news the other day. Since my neck has been acting up since the accident, my physical therapist decided we were going to have to start working on it.

*Cue scary music.*

IN THIS!

I'm claustrophobic people. This sucks. They strap you in like you're going on a flight to the moon. I've been in it once. It was not a pretty sight.

Emily has suggested that next time I'm in it I should imagine her there playing with the wheels and saying "Argh, matey."

You know...that just might work.

Emily's the best

2009-01-12T11:57:00.003-06:00

Here's what Emily sent me for Christmas. They're the most beautiful pearls ever. A matching set of earrings, bracelet, and necklace. They're weighty, wonderful, and cobalt blue. I love them. I was going to wear them today and then the weather didn't cooperate. Perhaps tomorrow.

Emily's so sweet, she even sent something for the munchkin. It's the cutest little bracelet. She loves it too. We're working on teaching her not to pull it too hard.

My scarf

2009-01-12T11:52:00.002-06:00

I so infrequently make something for myself that when I saw this scarf pattern, I had to make myself one. I chose purple...big surprise. It's Vanna's Choice in Purple Mist. I love it and wear it all the time. I get lots of compliments on it.

Christmas gifts

2009-01-12T11:37:00.003-06:00

So I'm a little late on the posting. Oh well. It happens. What you're looking at is a scarf that I made for my friend Emily that is living in Shanghai. The colorway is Cherry Chip. It's done from this pattern. I had made one for myself and loved how it turned out so much that when I suggested to Emily that I make her a scarf, I decided to use the pattern. Now Mom wants one.

While I was working on the scarf, Emily requested a hat to go with it. I'd never made a hat before, but told her I would give it a shot. Here's the result. This pattern works up surprisingly quickly and is so cute.

See, even Scarlett approves!

Memories

2009-01-11T10:18:00.001-06:00

I'd do it all again. And I can't imagine what I do now. Thank you for the best 3 1/2 years, Bear.

*Additional Note*

Ron was often mistaken for Kenny Rogers. Mom even commented on it the first time she met him. Kenny Rogers and Hulk Hogan.

He's at it again...

2009-01-03T22:02:00.003-06:00

Here's what he left for me today.

Often, when you leave a comment on a blog, you're asked to type in a gibberish word to verify that you're a human leaving a comment, and not a spam bot. Here's what the latest one I got said.

OK, I take the hint.

2009-01-01T21:35:00.002-06:00

I've spent some more time making my space my own. For the sake of my sanity, I needed to. My room is looking beautiful and the rest of the house is coming together as well.

And sure, some things are neatly boxed up and put away. And some things...well, they're very much still there.

Big move in my crochet world

2008-12-30T21:38:00.003-06:00

I am taking a huge step tomorrow. I am going to an actual LYS (Local Yarn Store). And I'm going to spend (potentially) lots of money on high-end yarn. I found this pattern in the coolest crochet magazine ever, Interweave Crochet.

I love this scarf. So, I'm going to spend my money and make the scarf. I was talking with Mom about it and telling her that it's quite possibly a 30-40 dollar scarf. She made a very good point...it would cost me three times that in a boutique. Plus, this way I'll be able to say I made it.

Stress eating

2008-12-28T19:40:00.003-06:00

I went to the grocery store tonight after going out to eat with friends and family. After having a VERY BAD couple of days, it felt like chocolate. And several other things apparently. Here's the haul.

I bought two boxes of Hershey's Pot of Gold chocolate. They were included in the after Christmas 50% off deal, so I felt I could justify it. Of course, when you're talking chocolate, who needs justification?

I also grabbed two packages of wafer cookies. Very comforting.

I decided it was high time to buy a box of the Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Cookie Selection. It's an assortment of their regular cookies with chocolate added. How can you go wrong?

Two large packages of M&Ms...one Peanut Butter and one Almond. I figured each of those has some protein, right? Can't be all bad.

A jar of macademia nuts because they're just so darn good.

Three pints of ice cream. Haagen-Dazs Chocolate, Haagen-Dazs Peppermint Bark ('Tis the season after all), and Ben and Jerry's One Cheesecake Brownie. YUMMMMMMMM!

A bag of Caramel Crunch Chex Mix. I love the combo of sweet and salty.

A bag of Brach's Royals. Chewy, multiple flavors, goodness. Sugar is our friend.

I also picked up a package of Ice Breakers Ice Cubes because I've never had them. Chewing one right now and I'm pretty sure I'll be buying more.

Then I hit the "crunchy organic" section to try out some high end chocolate. My first pick was Dagoba Organic Chocolate, Chai flavor. I'll let you know how it is when I taste it. I also grabbed a Chocolove Cherries & Almonds in Dark Chocolate bar. The packaging says that there's a love poem inside. Goodness knows I could use some love right now. Again, I'll let you know once I taste it.

Throw in a crocheting magazine and a book, and that's my haul. So, anyone think I've lost it?

Little miracles

2008-12-28T19:30:00.003-06:00

It's the little things that help me keep going. Seen after the munchkin's bath. It's an imprint of her little foot. So cute.

And the day after

2008-12-26T21:17:00.002-06:00

I made it through the first Christmas. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, but it certainly wasn't as bad as I feared. Everything was really OK until we pulled into the garage after spending the afternoon and evening over at my mom and dad's. Then munchkin called for daddy. I didn't even make it out of the car before I melted into a puddle of tears. Every time I do that the munchkin gets scared and asks me what's wrong. How do I explain?

For whatever reason, sometime early this afternoon I decided that today was the day to deal with switching closets. Up to this point, since we moved into this house, hubby's clothes were in the closet in the master bedroom and mine were in the spare bedroom. The same for dressers. Even though I felt it was really forever saying goodbye to him, I decided today was the day for the move. So I sucked up my courage, called for reinforcements (Mom had offered to help in this process a long time ago), and dove in.

The closet is now clean and nearly organized. The spare bedroom is partially organized. I've been to Wal-Mart. Several hundreds of dollars later I have my kitchen cabinets organized, a new flat screen TV in my bedroom (THANKS JODI!), all the random things that needed to go back to Wal-Mart are back there, Dad's the receiver of some of Ron's old things, tons of stuff for the garage sale are down in the lower level, and I'm exhausted.

I also did load after load of laundry, TRIED to put some of munchkin's things away, mixed up bread dough to bake for tomorrow's extended family Christmas, and just basically made the mess of things that happens while you're organizing.

One of the next projects will be to sort through munchkin's toybox and get rid of some things. She's got so much new stuff from Christmas that there's no way I can keep this living room even close to neat unless I do something about this situation. Really, you should see the floor of the living room. It's horrible. And I'm not even going to attempt it tonight.

The word of the month...SIGH.

Sempiternal

2008-12-26T21:02:00.002-06:00

Sempiternal- of never ending duration; having beginning but no end; everlasting; endless

I've always been a collector of words. I subscribe to the word a day email list from dictionary.com. This word came up a long time ago, and I'm just now getting to documenting it.

It strikes me that this word is appropriate for me in two ways now.

First, it describes my relationship and my love for Ron. And now, it also describes my grief. I'm sure that this pain will lessen, but I'm also certain it will never end.

Without any fear?

2008-12-25T22:53:00.000-06:00

Yay me!

2008-12-23T19:57:00.002-06:00

I made it. I'm actually home. I'm on break until January 5th. I so need this time off to relax, get some things done, and get my head back in the right place. Thanks to all of you who have been supportive over the last three months. I love you all and think you're amazing. It's so nice to know you all have my back. We're just going to hang out and sloth around tonight. I'm so ready for reading a book and drinking tea. It's taken a lot to get me here, and the upcoming week looks to be rough, but I'm going to make it.

An apology

2008-12-21T22:34:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much. Lately wave after wave of grief has come washing over me. I find myself snapping at friends when they say things with the best of intentions. I'm angry and I don't know what I'm angry about or why I'm angry.

The holidays have got me down and I'm ready to pull my head into my shell and let the world pelt me with whatever it has to dish out.

So that's the bulk of it. Say your prayers for me. I need them in a big way.

Trying to prepare

2008-12-19T18:01:00.002-06:00

OK, so I'm home. I've taken several deep breaths and a couple doses of anxiety medication to get me here. This week I refused to let myself feel the grief that I knew was there because I knew I wouldn't be able to get up and move forward every day if I let it overtake me. But with two days off, and a short work week coming, I plan to wallow tonight. I'm pretty sure I've managed my leave of absence over the holidays so that I can just try to survive. Think good thoughts for me for Monday and Tuesday.

Another one

2008-12-14T09:46:00.001-06:00

I can picture Ron pretending to play the guitar. He would have loved this.

More blessings

2008-12-13T10:08:00.003-06:00

Suggested at a forum I've joined. They're amazing people. They are blessings.

God bless moms

2008-12-11T11:18:00.002-06:00

My mom sent this to me. Since I'm having a horrible day, it felt so good to read it. Rather than emailing it, I'm sending it out to all of you this way.

Dear God: The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe.

I still can't say goodbye

2008-12-07T15:42:00.002-06:00

How do you say goodbye to your best friend and the love of your life?

Lyrics are here.

Warning: Video is mildly graphic

Sassy

2008-12-07T15:27:00.003-06:00

Suddenly, in the last two or three weeks, the munchkin has developed a real attitude. She's sassy, and I don't like it. Lord, help me. I've still got 11 more years before she hits her teens.

Earlier this week my parents were over at my house. Chloe absolutely loves her "Scooby Bones". They're simply graham crackers in the shape of dog bones. Anyway, my dad likes them too. When they were over he asked her if he could have one. She said, "NO!" And it wasn't a "Gosh, Papa, I'm so cute so I think I'll make my eyes twinkle and tell you no" kind of no. It was seriously naughty and sassy.

On its own, that would have been enough to earn her a punishment. However, she had to insult to injury by giving one to my mom without being asked. When mom asked if she could give hers to Papa, munchkin again said no in her sassy little voice. Then she gave me one and wouldn't let me give it to Papa.

So she earned a time out.

When she told me she was ready to give one to Papa, I let her come out. She still wouldn't give him one. She got to go back into time out three more times before she would give one to him.

*le sigh*

Knock knock

2008-12-07T15:13:00.002-06:00

While shopping in Wal-Mart yesterday the munchkin girl made me laugh right out loud. She was sitting in the cart and said, "Knock knock." And before I could ask, "Who's there?" she said, "Who's there? IT'S ME!" Sometimes I worry that she's smarter than I am! :)

6 months

2008-12-02T20:26:00.003-06:00

I was talking with an old friend tonight. I mentioned that I was heading into a rough stretch for me. Here's what's up.

December 25th - Obviously Christmas
December 31st - New Year's Eve
January 21st - Our wedding anniversary
February 13th - Munchkin's birthday
February 14th - Valentine's Day
March 19th - Hubby's birthday
May 8th - the day we met
May 10th - My birthday

I get April off, but that's pretty much it. Once I hit mid-May, I'm golden until the anniversary of his death. But this stretch...this one is going to be really rough. So think of me. My counselor keeps telling me to take it one day at a time because if you think about too much, you'll get overwhelmed. Right now, I'm just trying to hold out for bedtime.

Forecasts

2008-12-01T18:22:00.002-06:00

Excerpted from a podcast by Max Lucado I listen to:

God never watches weather forecasts. There are no unknowns to him. Psalm 33:11 says, "The counsel of the Lord standeth for ever, the thoughts of his heart to all generations." What may happen today is nothing new to Him. We've come to expect that life comes with change. And while we do not know the future, we can know God who does and we can know that he will walk with us into it.

I find much comfort in this. I was recently asked by my parents what, other than the obvious, is different about my life since the hubby died. He was my compass. He helped guide me. I am forever indebted to him for making me into the woman I am today. Now that he's gone, I feel adrift in what used to be a seemingly planned and orderly life. I don't know the future anymore, and that's what scares me most. Lord, help me come to know You better so I will have a firmer grasp on Your hand as we walk, together, into the future.

For those of you that are the praying types, please say a prayer that I will come to know the Lord better, and in knowing Him better, feel more secure in my future.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T21:51:00.003-06:00

Not at all what I expected. Thanksgiving was never a very important holiday for me. I enjoyed it, sure. But I never really got my underwear too much in a bunch about it.

I have to admit, yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. Although, I seem to be having my share of those lately. Everything just felt wrong from the moment I woke up. I served lunch to several of the mentally handicapped from our local facility. Our church held a lunch for them. It was really wonderful for me to be able to give something back. But other than that, the day was pretty much an unmitigated disaster.

I didn't do much but cry. But at least it helps to prepare for Christmas. Oh boy. That one's going to be rough.

Sorry this is so dreary.

All the rights I did wrong

2008-11-23T11:33:00.000-06:00

Wise words

2008-11-20T19:40:00.004-06:00

" I try to take things one day at a time, but lately, several days have attacked me at once."

While still saving you from the details you don't really need to or care to know, I'll let you know that today was definitely not my best day ever. I ended up at the doctor's office, for me this time, not the munchkin.

After spending an hour and a half at the clinic, getting my diagnosis, and getting a prescription called in to my local pharmacy, I spent 40 minutes going to get the munchkin from daycare. By the time I got to the pharmacy, they STILL hadn't filled the prescription. I don't understand this. But I've got it now, and things are looking up.

Too much

2008-11-18T19:05:00.002-06:00

Munchkin hurt herself on Sunday and began crying and asking for Daddy. I just held her and we cried.

What else is there to do?

Another reason I'll never be President

2008-11-16T14:50:00.003-06:00

I just read an article saying that Obama may have to surrender his blackberry. Presidents don't get to use email. The concern is The Presidential Records Act. This puts the correspondence of the President ultimately up for public review.

Never in all my life would I want my emails up for public review.

I'm not doing anything illegal, but they are my private thoughts. My private neurosis. I invite you all to this blog, give you an entree into my private life, but I never share all. There are things you'll never see on here. Thoughts you'll never know about. Some of the things that I share with friends by email would not be anything I want to share with the world as a whole.

Nor would I be willing to give up contacting my friends by email. And there's the difference between me and my father. According to my father, email will be dead in 6 months. Of course, he's been saying that for the past two years. We still have to call him and tell him we've sent him an email.

Mom's finally begun leaving her cell phone on. My family and technology. *sigh*

Gotta have it

2008-11-15T19:30:00.003-06:00

How great is this?

Bachelorette

2008-11-15T18:38:00.003-06:00

I spent several hours last night out with the girls. Jessica's getting married January 10th and her bachelorette party was last night. Boy did I need a night out with the girls. Jessica had rented a party bus and so we had a sober driver taking us around all night and someone to drive us home as well.

We started the evening with a tour of the small town bars and eventually worked our way downtown. I even managed to go to a bar that I'd never been to before.

We really had a great time. And the party bus is definitely the way to go. I understand we'll have it for the wedding too.

I met a lot of really great people...you all know who you are. And Jessica and Melissa, thanks for dragging me out of my slump and letting me have such a good time. It was a night I'm sure I'll never forget!

Baking bread

2008-11-12T15:58:00.005-06:00

I enjoy cooking and baking. But a few weeks ago Heather started talking about this new method of making bread on her podcast. I thought, no way can it be this easy. I'm going to expend time and energy, it's going to flop, and I'm going to be angry. But it didn't flop.

Here's my test loaf before it went into the oven.

Here it is after I took it out. DELICIOUS!

Check it out here. It really is amazing.

New socks

2008-11-12T15:53:00.001-06:00

Yes, I'm behind. My friend Carrie sent me these. What a wonderful pick-me-up. And since I love crazy socks, it was that much better. Thanks, Carrie. I sure do appreciate it!

How much happiness can you buy for $18?

2008-11-12T15:48:00.003-06:00

This much. YUM!

Finally reading

2008-11-12T15:38:00.004-06:00

I've been reading on grief today. Here's a selection of things I've found interesting/helpful.

"I'll cry with you,"
she whispered
"until we run out of tears.
Even if it's forever.
We'll do it together."
There it was...a simple
promise of connection.
The loving alliance of
grief and hope that
blesses both our breaking
apart and our coming
together again.

Molly Fumia, Safe Passage

I need someone who believes the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow.

Fr. Joe Mahoney, Concerns of Police Survivors Newsletter

Please, Santa?

2008-11-10T21:38:00.003-06:00

Can you please tell me, in the name of all that is holy, what lover of Chai and hot chocolate doesn't want one of these for Christmas?

Santa, I promise I'll be good for...at least...ummm. Oh shoot. I blew it.

Moving

2008-11-09T21:26:00.002-06:00

How do I move past this? This is a blinding, incapacitating, horrifying wave of wanting to do nothing.

I tried to push myself today. I did laundry. I scrubbed my bathroom floor. I vacuumed my bedroom. I had planned to make bread, but forgot to buy yeast.

Yes, this is how it is every day. I keep forgetting to do things. I keep floating along hoping that something will happen to knock me into some new place.

Is any of this making any sense or am I just babbling?

Heard and noted

2008-11-08T21:08:00.002-06:00

"I am weary but I am not weak."

Yep, that's me.

Lazy, lack of direction day

2008-11-08T20:16:00.003-06:00

Oh today.

I slept in with the munchkin in bed next to me watching Sponge Bob. I'm certain they're going to take away my mommy badge. But I needed the sleep so badly.

I did get some laundry done, but there are darks still languishing in the dryer. And I need to get the lights in to dry. Tomorrow is about washing sheets and towels. Ever feel like you're caught in a horrible cycle and you just need a kick in the butt to get out?

The house is a wreck. Vacuuming with the munchkin awake is not an option. She's terrified of the vacuum. I need to do the living room and my room. I also need to scrub the floor and tub in my bathroom. And the kitchen floor needs sweeping. Ick. I need a maid.

Went to the 50th anniversary party for my sister-in-law's parents this afternoon. I should have stayed home. There were lots of people there who wanted to tell me how sorry they were to hear about the hubby dying. I appreciate it more than anyone can know, but since I was already having a bad day, I cried several times during the party. And I was reminded that I will never have this kind of party. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I need to keep moving. I'm slowly organizing and getting my life back in order. What I really want is to take a week and just go to an island while a group of people transforms my house into the restful, clean oasis I need. I suppose the answer to that would be not sitting around so much. Maybe I could do one onerous task a night. Maybe I could just collapse in a heap.

A healing election

2008-11-05T17:27:00.002-06:00

Yesterday evening I made it past one of the many hurdles I will face this year. Our country elected a new president. And they elected a man many never thought they would see as the President Elect. My husband wasn't sure from the beginning who to vote for. He had his prejudices. He wasn't sure if he could really vote for a black man. In the end, he decided that Obama had his vote.

Since Ron's death I haven't been able to bring myself to watch any election coverage or debates. Ron was heavily interested in politics. Because of him, I was more interested and better educated this time than ever before. I used to joke with him that I was an election widow.

Had I only known then what I know now.

There are things you wish you could go back and "un-say". There are times you wish you could go back and change.

Ron was nearly beside himself in June when Tim Russert died. He was one of Ron's heroes. Ron believed in his moral character and what Russert had to say to the country. Ron wasn't much of a reader, but he wanted to read Russert's two books.

Ron would have been glued to the TV last night, and I probably would have complained the whole time. So, to get myself over the political coverage hurdle, I invited the girls over for stitch and bitch.

There was food, wine, and friendship. I commented that I had ulterior motives for inviting them that particular night. I was told that they would have come anyway just to be with me. That's true friendship. And that's what Ron would have wanted. He would have wanted me watching the coverage. So I did him the honor.

And I'm certain he and Tim Russert were up there mapping the coverage on white boards.

So appropriate

2008-11-04T19:54:00.000-06:00

The eternal question

2008-10-25T21:34:00.002-05:00

How are we doing?

I don't know how to answer that. I guess I'd have to say that I mostly feel like I'm living insdie a bubble. The bubble contains me and the munchkin. Mostly, nothing else gets in. Of course, nothing really gets out either. I know that in reality I need to let people in. I keep trying to remind myself of that. But how do you let people in when everything feels so empty?

My chest feels empty, except for the constant ache that now resides there.

My eyes are empty, except for the tears that are always threatening to overflow.

My nights are empty, except for the memories that keep me awake.

My life is empty, except for all that I have left to live for.

And it's that last one that keeps me moving. My family and friends have been there for me in ways I never imagined. Even near strangers have offered to help. Believe in the kindness that's out there. It really does exist.

Watch out peanut gallery

2008-10-16T17:33:00.002-05:00

No comments about becoming crazy cat lady...

Here's the newest kitty to come live with me. I'm pretty sure my limit is three...

Her name's Scarlett.

How are we doing?

2008-10-08T20:56:00.002-05:00

We're moving forward. I can't say we're moving on. I have ups and downs. But I find solace in unusual places. People are taking care of us. And the last thing he would have wanted is for me to get sucked under by this. I'll take any help I can to keep from getting sucked under.

How do I explain this?

2008-10-05T08:00:00.002-05:00

I mentioned before that the hubby came to me through a medium. I don't know if you're a believer or not, but here's what happened.

Hubby always told me he would haunt me. There had been several things that had happened since his death that told me he was with me still. Golf balls, his sunglasses, songs, etc.

But this had to be the strangest. Please bear with me while I give you the background you'll need to understand.

Ever since the hubby gave me my iPod for Christmas last year, the only thing I've ever listened to on it is podcasts. I have not a single song on it. Yep. I'm that odd. One of my favorites is Craftlit: the podcast for crafters who like books. I had even emailed the host, Heather Ordover, in the past about something she'd mentioned in the podcast. She and I had exchanged emails over the past 6 months or so. Hubby was NOT thrilled because of his ever-vigilant attitude about people finding us and hurting either me or the munchkin.

Thursday night (the night after the hubby's death) I was up late on the computer. I saw that Heather had once sent me a text to my email account. Something told me to contact her, but I checked myself because hubby wouldn't have liked it.

Over the next three days the thought entered my mind at least a hundred times. And every time I dismissed it because the hubby wouldn't have liked it, Heather doesn't know me, she could only really say she's sorry, etc.

Finally, Monday morning I decided that hubby was no longer around to tell me I couldn't, so I sent her a text. Through a series of text messages we discussed the situation and I repeatedly told her I wasn't sure why I was telling her this, but that I'd had a feeling for three days that I was supposed to tell her.

It came out that her theory was that perhaps the universe wasn't so much interested in her as her friend Sam who is rather "sixth sense". Would I like Sam to try and reach hubby? By all means, YES!

Before Heather could contact Sam, Sam contacted Heather and said, "I have someone coming through for you, what's up?"

To make a long story short, hubby is very much with me and very concerned. Several things Sam said could easily have been dismissed. However, she did mention that the image she had coming through over and over and over again was me, sitting at a wooden table, in a straight-backed chair, working on paperwork. The entire time I was texting Heather, I was sitting at my dining room table writing thank yous.

Plus, Sam said there was something about the pen I had used, something where I had checked myself for being silly thinking hubby was with me. Here's the crazy part. I knew that I wanted to write thank yous with the pen that hubby always used for notes and the checkbook. So I had looked through the drawer to find another one like it for my mom to use on the envelopes. I kidded myself for being so silly. No one was going to care if the envelopes matched the note, but it mattered to me that they matched, so I looked until I found one. No one could have known that. When Heather told me that, I about fell off my chair.

I have to believe that this was his way of coming to me. Some of you have expressed doubts as to the source (shall we say angel or demon?) of this visit. If I didn't believe that this was God's way of making me more comfortable by letting me know he's still very much with us, I couldn't go on. I trust that the Lord is guiding Sam. And I know that the Lord is with hubby. Hubby knew who he was in Christ so much more than I did. Even to make me happy he would not use evil means to come to me.

I knew he was with us, I just didn't know how close he truly is.

New family member

2008-10-01T22:19:00.001-05:00

Welcome the newest member of the family...

GYPSY!

Medium

2008-09-30T21:20:00.002-05:00

Had an interesting experience with a medium yesterday. I'll write all about it when I can. It was a pretty highly charged experience. Most of you have heard the story, but if you haven't, call me. I'll tell you all about it.

Not a very good day today. But I got the thank yous written. Can I just collapse now?

He always said he'd haunt me

2008-09-27T20:41:00.001-05:00

And this is the song I found on my brand new, never used, shrink-wrapped jump drive yesterday morning.

Moving forward

2008-09-27T08:54:00.003-05:00

I want to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and prayers. You don't know what that means.

My husband was always very cautious about us saying anything on here that would identify us, and by doing that, put us in harm's way. His biggest concern was taking care of us. With that in mind, I have chosen to post a link to his obituary.

Ron and I had our problems, as all couples do, but most of all, I know he loved me. He still loves me.

Over the next few weeks, so many of you will say, "But she's so young, and they only had three and a half years together." I want you to know that those three and a half years were the best ride of my life. Over the next few months, I want to share with you my best memories of Ron. And as I share these things, it's important to me that you know Ron truly loved life and loved with a generous heart. That's why he died. He used his heart so much that he just wore it out.

The worst ever

2008-09-25T15:46:00.002-05:00

For anyone who reads that I haven't yet contacted, my hubby died last night. He had gastric bypass surgery Monday, and had another surgery last night to assess some complications. During the procedure, his heart stopped. The doctors worked for half an hour to try to revive him. Any thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

When crochet goes wrong

2008-09-23T20:55:00.003-05:00

I've been crocheting for so long that I've often found myself championing the cause. Crochet is thought of as something old ladies do. Sure, they do, but so do young, hip chicks like myself. OK, go ahead and laugh. But there are a lot of cool projects out there. This is not one of them! Seriously. All I'd need would be a fe-mullet and I'd be set to wear these. Please. If I ever make something like this, remove the hook from my hand!

Project I want to try

2008-09-23T19:53:00.002-05:00

I've always wanted to crochet myself a sweater. This one looks like a likely pattern. I would change it a bit though so that the neck wasn't a stovepipe. I think 10 balls of the zinnia would do it. Hmm. Maybe I'll give it a shot.

Bloated

2008-09-23T19:47:00.002-05:00

OK, I'm going to say this and then I'm going to post about something more positive. I'm not sure what that is yet, but I'll figure it out.

Hubby is in the hospital...still.

After surgery last night the difficult recovery process began. First he thought he was having another heart attack. Blood enzymes and the EKG came back normal.

I talked to him at 7 this morning. He hadn't slept, his reflux was problematic, he was in a lot of pain, and in the night, one of his incisions had come open causing him to bleed a lot. Not a great first night.

By the end of the day he was not doing better and his abdomen was firm. It's not supposed to be.

Either tonight or tomorrow he's having another surgery to relieve the pressure. That's what I know. Not much, but enough to make me worry. If you're the praying type, say one for us, please.

Tomorrow is it

2008-09-21T14:09:00.002-05:00

Hubby's heading in for surgery tomorrow morning. Wish us well. Too tired right now to write about anything more. Sorry for the lazy posting lately. Feeling run down. I think it's more complications from the accident. I'm OK though.

B flat or A+?

2008-09-15T22:02:00.003-05:00

Today was your pretty normal day. In other words, it was B flat. (Hey, Carrie, does that qualify as a nerdy musician term?) However, nothing horrible happened, I finished a manual, and I went to Bible study with my friend Amy. So, these things seem to add up to a pretty great day. A+? I'll take it, whatever letter you want to give it.

Plenty of reading to do and cleaning to take care of. But hey, life is good. Hope you're all doing as well as we are. Can't wait to hear from you. Steph, I'm dying to hear from you. I'll get that email out soon. I promise!

Sunday, Sunday

2008-09-14T17:27:00.002-05:00

I went to church again with my friend Amy. First of all, she's the most wonderful person. Second of all, she's really bringing something new into my life by sharing her faith with me. I honestly do feel better throughout the week when I go to church on Sunday.

Munchkin girl has been getting over a cold this week. She's been pretty cranky, so that's been rough.

Hubby's preparing for his surgery on the 22nd. Any prayers you can send our way would be appreciated.

I think that's about it for us. Maybe there will be more later. You just never know with me.

Famous last words

2008-09-11T21:24:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I read this post on my friend Carrie's blog. And I remember thinking, "I am so glad we're past needing to take a change of clothing everywhere." What's that they say about pride going before a fall?

Mom, Dad, munchkin, and I went to Perkins tonight to enjoy a late dinner. I could tell something was trying to happen in the munchkin's diaper, but every time I checked, nothing had materialized. However, near the end of our meal, it did. On the way to the bathroom my dad noticed that munchkin was going to need a clean pair of pants. Of course, I didn't have any. So, to skip all the messiness (literally and figuratively), she came home wearing a shirt, a diaper, and her shoes.

Welcome to my nightmare. Jump in. The water is warm.

Kind of makes me want to use a brillo pad on my hands!

For Steph

2008-09-10T21:40:00.003-05:00

I promise, promise, promise that I will email you a chatty email about all that is going on. Yes, I have your hotmail address. Either that or I will write a long post to catch everyone up. But seriously, if I don't make some major progress on the Vonnegut for book club, I'm going into a downward shame spiral. It's bad. Very bad. 80 some pages out of over 300. Not so good. So, give me until a week from tomorrow and I promise to be better. Right now things are just crazy busy.