Last Easter

For this one I'm looking back, too. This time last year, we were all visiting the hubby in the heart hospital after his heart attack. He was so completely hopped up (no Easter pun intended) on morphine and nitro that he hardly remembers us being there.

I remember thinking how this had to be the worst way to spend an Easter. Turns out, I was wrong.

So many times over the past year, and particularly the past 6 1/2 months, I've been so wrong.

This year is worse. And I didn't anticipate it being that way. But for the second year in a row I woke up knowing that I was celebrating Easter by myself, with my daughter. It was my job to get her Easter basket ready. It was my job to make her look beautiful in her Easter dress. It was my job to make her day amazing. And I think I did a pretty good job.

Easter is about rolling the stone away from the tomb and looking forward to a new life. And so, I choose to try to do that. Munchkin and I are building a new life together. We're trying to roll that stone away and be amazed at what we find. We're trying to relish the fact that the tomb is empty and that this means so many good things. At least, we're trying.

Taking you way back

Well, I've been in a mood lately. And I haven't been posting. And more than one of my readers has asked what's up. So I'm making a commitment today to posting more in April. I was sitting around this morning and for some reason, this commercial popped into my head. I always loved it. Hope you all enjoy it, too. Anyone remember it?

All chaotic and twirly

I've been making hats and scarves for my friend Emily. I finished the second set, and they're getting ready to head over to Shanghai tomorrow. Thought I'd get some pictures first. The hat is a cloche style and the scarf twirls round and round on itself. I will probably never make this scarf again. Had I thought about the basic construction of the scarf I would have realized that the number of stitches in each row grows exponentially and therefore, takes longer to finish. Not a good project for the impatient.

On a side note, doesn't Handy Manny look swell?

Pendulum

Lately I've been thinking of my life sort of like a pendulum. I swing back and forth between moods. The bottom of the swing, where a pendulum stops if no force is applied, is where I go when I'm at my darkest. And I will stay there - unless I apply some force.

And I've been at the bottom of that swing.

I decided it was time to move from there. I'm not willing to stay there very long anymore. It's time to take action...apply some force.

So I still swing back and forth, and I hit that bottom point every now and then, but it's a moment, and I'm only passing through.

There have been some pretty great moments at the high points of the swing. And someday, if things work out, maybe I'll tell you about them. But for now, know that things are still moving back and forth here.

Spiral

I haven't been saying much for the past two weeks because, even with something new and wonderful in my life (a topic for another post someday), I've been in a spiral.

These last few days have been pure torture for me.

Friday was my daughter's 3rd birthday. I did OK at work until about 3:30. Finally, about 4:15 I had to leave because I knew that I was losing it. I knew that if I didn't get out of there I would be a wreck. My mother is the secretary for the music department at our local university and we had all been invited to a music alum gathering. I went. It was a mistake. All kinds of well-meaning people asking me how I am. Then, my mother asked the entire music faculty to sing Happy Birthday to my daughter. I decided I had to make it out of the room after they were done before I completely dissolved into tears. It was so, SO bittersweet.

Saturday was the dreaded day. I never really thought it meant anything to me until it hit me that "his girls" weren't getting anything this year. And it wasn't the gift I wanted. He always thought of it as the day he got to bring us presents in the hospital. Our first Valentine's Day together was actually our first full day as a family as well. I feel sick even thinking about it now.

Today was her birthday party. About 8 this morning I was convinced I should cancel it because I just couldn't do it. I was tired, grief-stricken, and certain that I couldn't make it through the party without sobbing.

She had a great time in the pool and everyone was wonderful. Not really any pressure on me. Now I'm home alone with an exhausted munchkin and fears of what I'll do with myself once she's in bed. I feel like it's me against the world.

I'm just beyond grief. I'm exhausted and have to go back to work tomorrow. Nope, no Monday holiday for me. I could have taken it off but chose not to in an attempt to finally save up some PTO.

I don't know what to say or feel. I want numb back.

3 years

Tomorrow my baby will be 3.

What a mix of emotions that is. Granted, it's a wonderful and happy day. But it's half wrong. And I don't know what to do about that. I don't know how to fix it.

There's nothing I can do. So I guess I'll just throw that beautiful little girl the best birthday party I can manage. There will be cake and swimming and family and friends and fun. She's my girl and she deserves the best I can give her.

So I'll give her my heart.

With?

For 4 months I've been telling my 3-year-old that Daddy is with Jesus.

Tonight my parents were over and she asked, "Mommy, where's Daddy?" My mom said, "Where IS Daddy?"

Without hesitation she responded, "Daddy's with Jesus."

I cried happy and sad tears at the same time.