I've still got what I need

I try not to use this blog as a sounding board for all my rants. I try to keep things positive and remember that some people reading this are not intimately acquainted with my life. I've always wanted this blog to be a learning experience for me and for others. However, tonight I find myself with much pent up anger and hostility that I have nowhere else to put.

Without giving away too much identifying information, I celebrated a big event at work today. When I went to tell someone who I expected to be supportive, all I got was sarcasm. Granted, this person lives on a steady diet of sarcasm and we've been more or less on the outs for a few days. But still, the response I got shocked me. In the end, I finally told this person to just forget it. I don't know if I'll hear from them again tonight or not. And frankly, I don't know if I care.

The moral of the story is that just because something is important to me does not mean that it's equally important to all the people in my life. Truly, I don't need it to be. But what I do need is support, joy, and congratulations. So, a big "Thank You" to all of you who have, and will continue to be supportive. In the end, I find that I only need myself and my congratulations to celebrate. After all, I only had to prove to myself that I could do it.

Taking a look at the past 12 months

The holidays seem to be notorious for putting people in a pensive frame of mind. And I'm no different. In the last few days, amidst the chaos that is the holidays, I have again been taking stock of my life.

15 months ago, the man I was married to, my best friend, died. So many of you have been there for me during this journey. I am still working to find peace. There are days that I feel that things will be fine and that the world is finally slowing down enough to let me back on. Then, night falls, and I find myself alone and aching. Grief is not for the weak.

Last night, after the gifts were put away and my daughter was in bed, I found myself crying. The second Christmas without him. Sure, I've moved forward, and things are improving, but there are some things that are not the same. Some things can't be fixed. A part of me will live forever with him. And those memories come back to me at night.

So, what has changed for me over the past year while I have taken a break from this blog?

I've taken a different job. I am no longer working as a Technical Writer. The job and the company I was working for created too much stress. My health and my personal relationships were suffering. I now work as a manager at a local lingerie shop. I love what I do and I am much happier than I ever was at my last job.

My daughter and I are beginning to adjust to living on our own. Right now we are dealing with some abandonment and separation anxiety issues for the munchkin. Even when I leave her with my parents she often worries about whether or not I will be coming back. She turns 4 in February and is beginning to grasp that other people have Daddies and that hers is not around. She still isn't sure why he isn't. She knows that "Daddy's in heaven with Jesus" but I believe she is only repeating what I have taught her. I don't think she grasps the concept of Daddy being in heaven. If I'm honest, I'm not sure I grasp it. :)

I've begun dating again. On June 21st (Father's Day) I met a wonderful man (Hereafter referred to as "the boyfriend".) who has been a friend of the family for years. I was able to contact him through Facebook and ask him if he'd like to get together. Six months later, I still get excited every time I know that I'm going to see him. He treats myself and my daughter like a queen and a princess respectively. He's kind, honest, patient, caring, attentive, generous, intelligent, and gentle. He's everything I could ask for. It's amazing to me, but he seems to understand the position I am in. I'm fighting every day to find my way and I believe he enjoys watching me grow. I get phone calls and "check ins" for no reason. He manages to find that fine balance of taking care of me when I need it and letting me have my own time and space. He has a daughter of his own and the four of us enjoy spending time together. The munchkin adores him and he adores her. I often tease him that I'm not sure if he's dating me or my daughter.

My financial situation is much different that I've been used to in the past. I am by no means destitute, but paying the bills is often an exercise in patience and prayer. I am in the process of paying off medical bills. This month was big for me. I paid off the first of the balances. Now, that money will be rolled into another payment. I am excited to begin to see things snowball. Never before in my life have I been the one in charge of the finances. Up to this point, there had always been someone else who dealt with it. Now, I keep track of what's coming in and going out, and I make sure that things are being paid on time. It's actually quite a feeling. If I were to get married again, I'm not sure I would want to relinquish control.

I've learned when to ask for help and I've also learned all the things I can take care of on my own. I've learned that there are so many people out there willing to help me if only I can swallow my pride long enough to ask. I have learned that independence is a wonderful thing, but being all on my own is not my goal in life. Thankfully, my daughter provides me with constant companionship.

Munchkin has gotten another year older, another year smarter, and another year sassier. She always makes me smile and more than once has pulled me out of the pit. She's wonderful and she's the best thing I ever did.

So, dear readers, there's a snapshot of my last year (or so). The ache is still there, but it is beginning to dull. I have wonderful people in my life that believe in me and care more than I ever knew. Thank you to all that have been there for me.

What I'd like to tell you

I'd like to tell you that I have time to blog about all that's been going on in the last week. I don't think I really do, but I'll hit the highlights...

Hubby put up my Williams Sonoma shelves. These were a belated birthday present. They're going to house cookbooks and small appliances that don't get used every day. More pictures when I can get to it. Sorry!

Thinking of starting Pilates. It should be really good for me after the accident. Even got the approval of my chiropractor.

Trying to get really into my book for book club. Not making a lot of progress there. This WILL NOT be the only book I haven't read in the year since I started this thing.

Stitch and bitch tomorrow night. Plus I have to go to a viewing for my daycare provider's father-in-law. It's the right thing to do. Going to be a busy night.

Work continues to keep me busy. I still love it. I'm still crazy. :)

Spent Sunday with my best friend Amy. Went to church with her. Wonderful experience. I'll be going back.

That's the 30 second wrap up. Gotta run!

Update

It's been a crazy weekend. We are preparing for new flooring going into the kitchen/dining room, laundry room, and front entryway. With that in mind, it's been a mass of, "Where are we going to move this? Out on the deck? Nope, can't do that. They're putting the indoor/outdoor carpeting out there. OK, let's move this here, and this here, and we'll put the fridge in the living room..."

I wish I were kidding. I currently have a table on the bed in the spare bedroom, a baker's rack in the hallway, and there will soon be a washer, dryer, and stove on the front porch. The dining room table will reside in the living room, along with the chairs, and the fridge will indeed be in the living room until the kitchen floor is done. Heck, we might like it so much that we'll decide to leave it there.

I've been working on that double crocheted blue afghan. I'm hoping to finish the first skein (a 1 lb. skein. Those of you that crochet know that's over twice the size of a large skein.) today so that I can feel some sense of accomplishment. I've also been reading David Copperfield and have promised myself that I'll finish up to page 350 before beginning book 3 of the Edward and Bella story. It's been hard to resist.

Work is as busy as ever. Right now I'm working hard just to keep my head above water. But, having lots of projects to work on keeps me busy and keeps my mind off of other things that have been worrying me. So, I'm not complaining. Besides, job security is never a bad thing. And I do love my job.

Technology war

With multiple generations in my workplace, I found this extraordinarily interesting. I'm not even going to try and explain it. Just take a look and see what you think.

Team building?

We took a field trip for lunch today. We got a bunch of food from Pizza Ranch and went up to Campus to eat lunch out in the open. It was amazing and relaxing. Afterwards, we climbed a local landmark. Then it was on to delicious ice cream. Two hours later, we were back at work feeling much refreshed and knowing more about each other.

Speaking of which, our company is sponsoring a game at the company picnic about knowing your co-workers. It's based on The Newlywed game. I think it will be a blast. I can't wait to see who competes.

New student

I haven't had the opportunity to post about my new student yet. Her name is Keely and she's wonderful. Not only do I have great faith that she'll turn out to be an EXCELLENT technical writer, but she fits with Julie and I extremely well.

She's funny without being inappropriate.

She shows proper reverence for the American Heritage Dictionary. (I've caught her drooling more than once and the day she first saw mine, she took it off the shelf and fondled it. She actually fondled it.)

She understands that the yucky work she's doing right now has a purpose.

She jumps right into tasks with gusto.

Basically, she's perfect for us. The hubby asked me if I planned to divorce him and marry her. It's not quite that serious, but I really do like having her around. I think I'll keep her.