Saturday, October 25, 2008

The eternal question

How are we doing?

I don't know how to answer that. I guess I'd have to say that I mostly feel like I'm living insdie a bubble. The bubble contains me and the munchkin. Mostly, nothing else gets in. Of course, nothing really gets out either. I know that in reality I need to let people in. I keep trying to remind myself of that. But how do you let people in when everything feels so empty?

My chest feels empty, except for the constant ache that now resides there.

My eyes are empty, except for the tears that are always threatening to overflow.

My nights are empty, except for the memories that keep me awake.

My life is empty, except for all that I have left to live for.

And it's that last one that keeps me moving. My family and friends have been there for me in ways I never imagined. Even near strangers have offered to help. Believe in the kindness that's out there. It really does exist.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Watch out peanut gallery

No comments about becoming crazy cat lady...
Here's the newest kitty to come live with me. I'm pretty sure my limit is three...
Her name's Scarlett.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

How are we doing?

We're moving forward. I can't say we're moving on. I have ups and downs. But I find solace in unusual places. People are taking care of us. And the last thing he would have wanted is for me to get sucked under by this. I'll take any help I can to keep from getting sucked under.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

How do I explain this?

I mentioned before that the hubby came to me through a medium. I don't know if you're a believer or not, but here's what happened.

Hubby always told me he would haunt me. There had been several things that had happened since his death that told me he was with me still. Golf balls, his sunglasses, songs, etc.

But this had to be the strangest. Please bear with me while I give you the background you'll need to understand.

Ever since the hubby gave me my iPod for Christmas last year, the only thing I've ever listened to on it is podcasts. I have not a single song on it. Yep. I'm that odd. One of my favorites is Craftlit: the podcast for crafters who like books. I had even emailed the host, Heather Ordover, in the past about something she'd mentioned in the podcast. She and I had exchanged emails over the past 6 months or so. Hubby was NOT thrilled because of his ever-vigilant attitude about people finding us and hurting either me or the munchkin.

Thursday night (the night after the hubby's death) I was up late on the computer. I saw that Heather had once sent me a text to my email account. Something told me to contact her, but I checked myself because hubby wouldn't have liked it.

Over the next three days the thought entered my mind at least a hundred times. And every time I dismissed it because the hubby wouldn't have liked it, Heather doesn't know me, she could only really say she's sorry, etc.

Finally, Monday morning I decided that hubby was no longer around to tell me I couldn't, so I sent her a text. Through a series of text messages we discussed the situation and I repeatedly told her I wasn't sure why I was telling her this, but that I'd had a feeling for three days that I was supposed to tell her.

It came out that her theory was that perhaps the universe wasn't so much interested in her as her friend Sam who is rather "sixth sense". Would I like Sam to try and reach hubby? By all means, YES!

Before Heather could contact Sam, Sam contacted Heather and said, "I have someone coming through for you, what's up?"

To make a long story short, hubby is very much with me and very concerned. Several things Sam said could easily have been dismissed. However, she did mention that the image she had coming through over and over and over again was me, sitting at a wooden table, in a straight-backed chair, working on paperwork. The entire time I was texting Heather, I was sitting at my dining room table writing thank yous.

Plus, Sam said there was something about the pen I had used, something where I had checked myself for being silly thinking hubby was with me. Here's the crazy part. I knew that I wanted to write thank yous with the pen that hubby always used for notes and the checkbook. So I had looked through the drawer to find another one like it for my mom to use on the envelopes. I kidded myself for being so silly. No one was going to care if the envelopes matched the note, but it mattered to me that they matched, so I looked until I found one. No one could have known that. When Heather told me that, I about fell off my chair.

I have to believe that this was his way of coming to me. Some of you have expressed doubts as to the source (shall we say angel or demon?) of this visit. If I didn't believe that this was God's way of making me more comfortable by letting me know he's still very much with us, I couldn't go on. I trust that the Lord is guiding Sam. And I know that the Lord is with hubby. Hubby knew who he was in Christ so much more than I did. Even to make me happy he would not use evil means to come to me.

I knew he was with us, I just didn't know how close he truly is.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

New family member

Welcome the newest member of the family...