Big move in my crochet world

I am taking a huge step tomorrow. I am going to an actual LYS (Local Yarn Store). And I'm going to spend (potentially) lots of money on high-end yarn. I found this pattern in the coolest crochet magazine ever, Interweave Crochet.

I love this scarf. So, I'm going to spend my money and make the scarf. I was talking with Mom about it and telling her that it's quite possibly a 30-40 dollar scarf. She made a very good point...it would cost me three times that in a boutique. Plus, this way I'll be able to say I made it.

Stress eating

I went to the grocery store tonight after going out to eat with friends and family. After having a VERY BAD couple of days, it felt like chocolate. And several other things apparently. Here's the haul.

I bought two boxes of Hershey's Pot of Gold chocolate. They were included in the after Christmas 50% off deal, so I felt I could justify it. Of course, when you're talking chocolate, who needs justification?

I also grabbed two packages of wafer cookies. Very comforting.

I decided it was high time to buy a box of the Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Cookie Selection. It's an assortment of their regular cookies with chocolate added. How can you go wrong?

Two large packages of M&Ms...one Peanut Butter and one Almond. I figured each of those has some protein, right? Can't be all bad.

A jar of macademia nuts because they're just so darn good.

Three pints of ice cream. Haagen-Dazs Chocolate, Haagen-Dazs Peppermint Bark ('Tis the season after all), and Ben and Jerry's One Cheesecake Brownie. YUMMMMMMMM!

A bag of Caramel Crunch Chex Mix. I love the combo of sweet and salty.

A bag of Brach's Royals. Chewy, multiple flavors, goodness. Sugar is our friend.

I also picked up a package of Ice Breakers Ice Cubes because I've never had them. Chewing one right now and I'm pretty sure I'll be buying more.

Then I hit the "crunchy organic" section to try out some high end chocolate. My first pick was Dagoba Organic Chocolate, Chai flavor. I'll let you know how it is when I taste it. I also grabbed a Chocolove Cherries & Almonds in Dark Chocolate bar. The packaging says that there's a love poem inside. Goodness knows I could use some love right now. Again, I'll let you know once I taste it.

Throw in a crocheting magazine and a book, and that's my haul. So, anyone think I've lost it?

Little miracles

It's the little things that help me keep going. Seen after the munchkin's bath. It's an imprint of her little foot. So cute.

And the day after

I made it through the first Christmas. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, but it certainly wasn't as bad as I feared. Everything was really OK until we pulled into the garage after spending the afternoon and evening over at my mom and dad's. Then munchkin called for daddy. I didn't even make it out of the car before I melted into a puddle of tears. Every time I do that the munchkin gets scared and asks me what's wrong. How do I explain?

For whatever reason, sometime early this afternoon I decided that today was the day to deal with switching closets. Up to this point, since we moved into this house, hubby's clothes were in the closet in the master bedroom and mine were in the spare bedroom. The same for dressers. Even though I felt it was really forever saying goodbye to him, I decided today was the day for the move. So I sucked up my courage, called for reinforcements (Mom had offered to help in this process a long time ago), and dove in.

The closet is now clean and nearly organized. The spare bedroom is partially organized. I've been to Wal-Mart. Several hundreds of dollars later I have my kitchen cabinets organized, a new flat screen TV in my bedroom (THANKS JODI!), all the random things that needed to go back to Wal-Mart are back there, Dad's the receiver of some of Ron's old things, tons of stuff for the garage sale are down in the lower level, and I'm exhausted.

I also did load after load of laundry, TRIED to put some of munchkin's things away, mixed up bread dough to bake for tomorrow's extended family Christmas, and just basically made the mess of things that happens while you're organizing.

One of the next projects will be to sort through munchkin's toybox and get rid of some things. She's got so much new stuff from Christmas that there's no way I can keep this living room even close to neat unless I do something about this situation. Really, you should see the floor of the living room. It's horrible. And I'm not even going to attempt it tonight.

The word of the month...SIGH.

Sempiternal

Sempiternal- of never ending duration; having beginning but no end; everlasting; endless

I've always been a collector of words. I subscribe to the word a day email list from dictionary.com. This word came up a long time ago, and I'm just now getting to documenting it.

It strikes me that this word is appropriate for me in two ways now.

First, it describes my relationship and my love for Ron. And now, it also describes my grief. I'm sure that this pain will lessen, but I'm also certain it will never end.

Without any fear?

Yay me!

I made it. I'm actually home. I'm on break until January 5th. I so need this time off to relax, get some things done, and get my head back in the right place. Thanks to all of you who have been supportive over the last three months. I love you all and think you're amazing. It's so nice to know you all have my back. We're just going to hang out and sloth around tonight. I'm so ready for reading a book and drinking tea. It's taken a lot to get me here, and the upcoming week looks to be rough, but I'm going to make it.

An apology

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much. Lately wave after wave of grief has come washing over me. I find myself snapping at friends when they say things with the best of intentions. I'm angry and I don't know what I'm angry about or why I'm angry.

The holidays have got me down and I'm ready to pull my head into my shell and let the world pelt me with whatever it has to dish out.

So that's the bulk of it. Say your prayers for me. I need them in a big way.

Trying to prepare

OK, so I'm home. I've taken several deep breaths and a couple doses of anxiety medication to get me here. This week I refused to let myself feel the grief that I knew was there because I knew I wouldn't be able to get up and move forward every day if I let it overtake me. But with two days off, and a short work week coming, I plan to wallow tonight. I'm pretty sure I've managed my leave of absence over the holidays so that I can just try to survive. Think good thoughts for me for Monday and Tuesday.

Another one

I can picture Ron pretending to play the guitar. He would have loved this.

More blessings

Suggested at a forum I've joined. They're amazing people. They are blessings.

God bless moms

My mom sent this to me. Since I'm having a horrible day, it felt so good to read it. Rather than emailing it, I'm sending it out to all of you this way.

Dear God: The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe.

I still can't say goodbye

How do you say goodbye to your best friend and the love of your life?

Lyrics are here.

Warning: Video is mildly graphic

Sassy

Suddenly, in the last two or three weeks, the munchkin has developed a real attitude. She's sassy, and I don't like it. Lord, help me. I've still got 11 more years before she hits her teens.

Earlier this week my parents were over at my house. Chloe absolutely loves her "Scooby Bones". They're simply graham crackers in the shape of dog bones. Anyway, my dad likes them too. When they were over he asked her if he could have one. She said, "NO!" And it wasn't a "Gosh, Papa, I'm so cute so I think I'll make my eyes twinkle and tell you no" kind of no. It was seriously naughty and sassy.

On its own, that would have been enough to earn her a punishment. However, she had to insult to injury by giving one to my mom without being asked. When mom asked if she could give hers to Papa, munchkin again said no in her sassy little voice. Then she gave me one and wouldn't let me give it to Papa.

So she earned a time out.

When she told me she was ready to give one to Papa, I let her come out. She still wouldn't give him one. She got to go back into time out three more times before she would give one to him.

*le sigh*

Knock knock

While shopping in Wal-Mart yesterday the munchkin girl made me laugh right out loud. She was sitting in the cart and said, "Knock knock." And before I could ask, "Who's there?" she said, "Who's there? IT'S ME!" Sometimes I worry that she's smarter than I am! :)

6 months

I was talking with an old friend tonight. I mentioned that I was heading into a rough stretch for me. Here's what's up.

December 25th - Obviously Christmas
December 31st - New Year's Eve
January 21st - Our wedding anniversary
February 13th - Munchkin's birthday
February 14th - Valentine's Day
March 19th - Hubby's birthday
May 8th - the day we met
May 10th - My birthday

I get April off, but that's pretty much it. Once I hit mid-May, I'm golden until the anniversary of his death. But this stretch...this one is going to be really rough. So think of me. My counselor keeps telling me to take it one day at a time because if you think about too much, you'll get overwhelmed. Right now, I'm just trying to hold out for bedtime.

Forecasts

Excerpted from a podcast by Max Lucado I listen to:

God never watches weather forecasts. There are no unknowns to him. Psalm 33:11 says, "The counsel of the Lord standeth for ever, the thoughts of his heart to all generations." What may happen today is nothing new to Him. We've come to expect that life comes with change. And while we do not know the future, we can know God who does and we can know that he will walk with us into it.

I find much comfort in this. I was recently asked by my parents what, other than the obvious, is different about my life since the hubby died. He was my compass. He helped guide me. I am forever indebted to him for making me into the woman I am today. Now that he's gone, I feel adrift in what used to be a seemingly planned and orderly life. I don't know the future anymore, and that's what scares me most. Lord, help me come to know You better so I will have a firmer grasp on Your hand as we walk, together, into the future.

For those of you that are the praying types, please say a prayer that I will come to know the Lord better, and in knowing Him better, feel more secure in my future.