Thanksgiving

Not at all what I expected. Thanksgiving was never a very important holiday for me. I enjoyed it, sure. But I never really got my underwear too much in a bunch about it.

I have to admit, yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. Although, I seem to be having my share of those lately. Everything just felt wrong from the moment I woke up. I served lunch to several of the mentally handicapped from our local facility. Our church held a lunch for them. It was really wonderful for me to be able to give something back. But other than that, the day was pretty much an unmitigated disaster.

I didn't do much but cry. But at least it helps to prepare for Christmas. Oh boy. That one's going to be rough.

Sorry this is so dreary.

All the rights I did wrong

Wise words

" I try to take things one day at a time, but lately, several days have attacked me at once."

While still saving you from the details you don't really need to or care to know, I'll let you know that today was definitely not my best day ever. I ended up at the doctor's office, for me this time, not the munchkin.

After spending an hour and a half at the clinic, getting my diagnosis, and getting a prescription called in to my local pharmacy, I spent 40 minutes going to get the munchkin from daycare. By the time I got to the pharmacy, they STILL hadn't filled the prescription. I don't understand this. But I've got it now, and things are looking up.

Too much

Munchkin hurt herself on Sunday and began crying and asking for Daddy. I just held her and we cried.

What else is there to do?

Another reason I'll never be President

I just read an article saying that Obama may have to surrender his blackberry. Presidents don't get to use email. The concern is The Presidential Records Act. This puts the correspondence of the President ultimately up for public review.

Never in all my life would I want my emails up for public review.

I'm not doing anything illegal, but they are my private thoughts. My private neurosis. I invite you all to this blog, give you an entree into my private life, but I never share all. There are things you'll never see on here. Thoughts you'll never know about. Some of the things that I share with friends by email would not be anything I want to share with the world as a whole.

Nor would I be willing to give up contacting my friends by email. And there's the difference between me and my father. According to my father, email will be dead in 6 months. Of course, he's been saying that for the past two years. We still have to call him and tell him we've sent him an email.

Mom's finally begun leaving her cell phone on. My family and technology. *sigh*

Gotta have it

How great is this?

Bachelorette

I spent several hours last night out with the girls. Jessica's getting married January 10th and her bachelorette party was last night. Boy did I need a night out with the girls. Jessica had rented a party bus and so we had a sober driver taking us around all night and someone to drive us home as well.

We started the evening with a tour of the small town bars and eventually worked our way downtown. I even managed to go to a bar that I'd never been to before.

We really had a great time. And the party bus is definitely the way to go. I understand we'll have it for the wedding too.

I met a lot of really great people...you all know who you are. And Jessica and Melissa, thanks for dragging me out of my slump and letting me have such a good time. It was a night I'm sure I'll never forget!

Baking bread

I enjoy cooking and baking. But a few weeks ago Heather started talking about this new method of making bread on her podcast. I thought, no way can it be this easy. I'm going to expend time and energy, it's going to flop, and I'm going to be angry. But it didn't flop.

Here's my test loaf before it went into the oven.

Here it is after I took it out. DELICIOUS!

Check it out here. It really is amazing.

New socks

Yes, I'm behind. My friend Carrie sent me these. What a wonderful pick-me-up. And since I love crazy socks, it was that much better. Thanks, Carrie. I sure do appreciate it!

How much happiness can you buy for $18?

This much. YUM!

Finally reading

I've been reading on grief today. Here's a selection of things I've found interesting/helpful.

"I'll cry with you,"
she whispered
"until we run out of tears.
Even if it's forever.
We'll do it together."
There it was...a simple
promise of connection.
The loving alliance of
grief and hope that
blesses both our breaking
apart and our coming
together again.

Molly Fumia, Safe Passage

I need someone who believes the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow.

Fr. Joe Mahoney, Concerns of Police Survivors Newsletter

Please, Santa?

Can you please tell me, in the name of all that is holy, what lover of Chai and hot chocolate doesn't want one of these for Christmas?

Santa, I promise I'll be good for...at least...ummm. Oh shoot. I blew it.

Moving

How do I move past this? This is a blinding, incapacitating, horrifying wave of wanting to do nothing.

I tried to push myself today. I did laundry. I scrubbed my bathroom floor. I vacuumed my bedroom. I had planned to make bread, but forgot to buy yeast.

Yes, this is how it is every day. I keep forgetting to do things. I keep floating along hoping that something will happen to knock me into some new place.

Is any of this making any sense or am I just babbling?

Heard and noted

"I am weary but I am not weak."

Yep, that's me.

Lazy, lack of direction day

Oh today.

I slept in with the munchkin in bed next to me watching Sponge Bob. I'm certain they're going to take away my mommy badge. But I needed the sleep so badly.

I did get some laundry done, but there are darks still languishing in the dryer. And I need to get the lights in to dry. Tomorrow is about washing sheets and towels. Ever feel like you're caught in a horrible cycle and you just need a kick in the butt to get out?

The house is a wreck. Vacuuming with the munchkin awake is not an option. She's terrified of the vacuum. I need to do the living room and my room. I also need to scrub the floor and tub in my bathroom. And the kitchen floor needs sweeping. Ick. I need a maid.

Went to the 50th anniversary party for my sister-in-law's parents this afternoon. I should have stayed home. There were lots of people there who wanted to tell me how sorry they were to hear about the hubby dying. I appreciate it more than anyone can know, but since I was already having a bad day, I cried several times during the party. And I was reminded that I will never have this kind of party. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I need to keep moving. I'm slowly organizing and getting my life back in order. What I really want is to take a week and just go to an island while a group of people transforms my house into the restful, clean oasis I need. I suppose the answer to that would be not sitting around so much. Maybe I could do one onerous task a night. Maybe I could just collapse in a heap.

A healing election

Yesterday evening I made it past one of the many hurdles I will face this year. Our country elected a new president. And they elected a man many never thought they would see as the President Elect. My husband wasn't sure from the beginning who to vote for. He had his prejudices. He wasn't sure if he could really vote for a black man. In the end, he decided that Obama had his vote.

Since Ron's death I haven't been able to bring myself to watch any election coverage or debates. Ron was heavily interested in politics. Because of him, I was more interested and better educated this time than ever before. I used to joke with him that I was an election widow.

Had I only known then what I know now.

There are things you wish you could go back and "un-say". There are times you wish you could go back and change.

Ron was nearly beside himself in June when Tim Russert died. He was one of Ron's heroes. Ron believed in his moral character and what Russert had to say to the country. Ron wasn't much of a reader, but he wanted to read Russert's two books.

Ron would have been glued to the TV last night, and I probably would have complained the whole time. So, to get myself over the political coverage hurdle, I invited the girls over for stitch and bitch.

There was food, wine, and friendship. I commented that I had ulterior motives for inviting them that particular night. I was told that they would have come anyway just to be with me. That's true friendship. And that's what Ron would have wanted. He would have wanted me watching the coverage. So I did him the honor.

And I'm certain he and Tim Russert were up there mapping the coverage on white boards.

So appropriate