All chaotic and twirly

I've been making hats and scarves for my friend Emily. I finished the second set, and they're getting ready to head over to Shanghai tomorrow. Thought I'd get some pictures first. The hat is a cloche style and the scarf twirls round and round on itself. I will probably never make this scarf again. Had I thought about the basic construction of the scarf I would have realized that the number of stitches in each row grows exponentially and therefore, takes longer to finish. Not a good project for the impatient.

On a side note, doesn't Handy Manny look swell?

Pendulum

Lately I've been thinking of my life sort of like a pendulum. I swing back and forth between moods. The bottom of the swing, where a pendulum stops if no force is applied, is where I go when I'm at my darkest. And I will stay there - unless I apply some force.

And I've been at the bottom of that swing.

I decided it was time to move from there. I'm not willing to stay there very long anymore. It's time to take action...apply some force.

So I still swing back and forth, and I hit that bottom point every now and then, but it's a moment, and I'm only passing through.

There have been some pretty great moments at the high points of the swing. And someday, if things work out, maybe I'll tell you about them. But for now, know that things are still moving back and forth here.

Spiral

I haven't been saying much for the past two weeks because, even with something new and wonderful in my life (a topic for another post someday), I've been in a spiral.

These last few days have been pure torture for me.

Friday was my daughter's 3rd birthday. I did OK at work until about 3:30. Finally, about 4:15 I had to leave because I knew that I was losing it. I knew that if I didn't get out of there I would be a wreck. My mother is the secretary for the music department at our local university and we had all been invited to a music alum gathering. I went. It was a mistake. All kinds of well-meaning people asking me how I am. Then, my mother asked the entire music faculty to sing Happy Birthday to my daughter. I decided I had to make it out of the room after they were done before I completely dissolved into tears. It was so, SO bittersweet.

Saturday was the dreaded day. I never really thought it meant anything to me until it hit me that "his girls" weren't getting anything this year. And it wasn't the gift I wanted. He always thought of it as the day he got to bring us presents in the hospital. Our first Valentine's Day together was actually our first full day as a family as well. I feel sick even thinking about it now.

Today was her birthday party. About 8 this morning I was convinced I should cancel it because I just couldn't do it. I was tired, grief-stricken, and certain that I couldn't make it through the party without sobbing.

She had a great time in the pool and everyone was wonderful. Not really any pressure on me. Now I'm home alone with an exhausted munchkin and fears of what I'll do with myself once she's in bed. I feel like it's me against the world.

I'm just beyond grief. I'm exhausted and have to go back to work tomorrow. Nope, no Monday holiday for me. I could have taken it off but chose not to in an attempt to finally save up some PTO.

I don't know what to say or feel. I want numb back.

3 years

Tomorrow my baby will be 3.

What a mix of emotions that is. Granted, it's a wonderful and happy day. But it's half wrong. And I don't know what to do about that. I don't know how to fix it.

There's nothing I can do. So I guess I'll just throw that beautiful little girl the best birthday party I can manage. There will be cake and swimming and family and friends and fun. She's my girl and she deserves the best I can give her.

So I'll give her my heart.

With?

For 4 months I've been telling my 3-year-old that Daddy is with Jesus.

Tonight my parents were over and she asked, "Mommy, where's Daddy?" My mom said, "Where IS Daddy?"

Without hesitation she responded, "Daddy's with Jesus."

I cried happy and sad tears at the same time.

You're up...then you're down

I was having a good week after a pretty great weekend, and then I got nailed this morning. I pulled into the driveway at daycare to drop the munchkin off. When I got back out to the car, it wouldn't start. Jessica (a.k.a. Jooka Jooka) took me to work and Steve looked at the car when he got home from work. Started right up. Stupid thing. So I got a ride out there.

While I waited for Mom and Dad to buy me a new battery, Steve drove the car up to the house, turned it off, started it again, turned it off, started it again, turned it off, and the blasted thing wouldn't start again.

The battery reads right at 12 volts. We tried a new one, that's not it. Dad thinks it's the fuel pump. So there goes my paycheck. And my bank account is nowhere near where I want it to be. But I'm determined that everything is going to be OK. No panic here.

Something's gotta give.

Gastronomic delight

Tonight I decided to try a new meal that I ripped off from a local restaurant. They are famous for their stroganoff burgers, but everything at the restaurant is over-priced. I decided to recreate it at home.

I started off with a VERY LARGE onion that I sliced up and put in a pan with some oil and salt.




I let the onions caramelize. I love the smell in the air when I'm cooking onions. I don't love cleaning the pan nearly as much. :)

I added mushrooms to the onions, piled the whole mess on top of a burger with swiss cheese, added a dollop of sour cream, closed the toasted bun, and dug in.

Mom and Dad were over and they enjoyed it as well. I would definitely make this again. As my grandfather would have said...

"Pretty good for a quick-plan meal."

Adding to my stash - part 2

I haven't decided yet what this is for, but it was on clearance for only $1.79 a skein. Couldn't turn that down. It's Baby Bee Sweet Delight Baby in Ladybug Ombre. It's 60% cotton and 40% polyamide. I kind of think this looks like scarves, but again, I haven't decided.

This is some Vanna's Choice (100% acrylic in Mountain Print) that I bought specifically to go with this hat that I already made for Emily. You can see it behind the yarn. The scarf I'm making is this pattern.

This was especially for me. It's Trekking XXL sock yarn. 75% new wool (as opposed to old?) and 25% nylon. I'm making this scarf with it. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make the hat. I plan to extend the scarf pattern to make it longer.

Adding to my stash - part 1

I was recently chastised (very lightly, but still chastised) for letting my blog go. I was asked why I post nothing new, day after day. Well, it's not that there aren't things to post about. It's just that I usually find myself so tired at the end of the day that doing another thing makes my brain hurt.

However, in an attempt to keep my loyal public happy, here's a post about yarn. Sorry it's not more exciting, but it's what I've got!



This is my purchase for this scarf. It's Crystle Palace Yarns Kid Merino in Berry. 28% kid mohair, 28% merino wool, and 44% micro nylon. It's nearly 5 ounces of laceweight lovliness. It's soft and sqwooshy (phonetic spelling for effect) and I love it. I started working on the scarf at crochet night a couple of weeks ago, but I find that I need to concentrate and really learn the pattern before I can work on this with anyone around. It's not a difficult pattern, but I've never worked with this type of yarn before so it will take some getting used to.


This is Plymouth Yarn Royal Llama Silk. It's 60% fine llama and 40% silk. It's lovely. It's spun in Argentina and is currently being made into a scarf. It feels so nice and I'm afraid that working with specialty yarns may be spoiling me. :)

This stuff is crazy, but I love it. It's Trendsetter Yarns Aura. It's 100% nylon and 100% fun. I originally bought it to make a scarf for the munchkin, but when I was able to pick up three more balls at 40% off, I decided that Emily needed a hat and scarf. I'm hoping that I can get one of the guys going to China to mule it over to her.

This is Filatura Di Crosa Baby for Tahki Stacy Charles Pom Pom. I'm not really sure yet what it's going to be, but it was too cute to leave there. Can you tell I have a problem? :) It's 41% Cotton, 49% Acrylic, and 10% Polyamide. I need to find a pattern for this.

I bought these three skeins of Patons Stretch Socks for, you guessed it, socks. It's 41% cotton, 39% wool, 13% nylon, and 7% elastic. The nylon and elastic should make them nice and stretchy. Now if I can just find my sock pattern book...

Blessid Union of Souls

There's nothing to say except that this is perfect..right down to the name of the band.